vents/rants

vent

I'm.... I'm upset.
It just....... I don't know her liking someone else would hurt me so much..... It's not even a selfish "I don't want to share you, u only will like me" Type of sadness...... It's just, like, the sadness you get when your crush gets a partner, but your rlly happy for them bc they're happy so u hide it until your alone....
Love is so fucking hard, man..... One second I'm with my best friend, then I'm with a rlly fucking amazing girl that I honestly want to marry, then neither, then both, then her, then neither, and now both, but just friends......... And I see them every single day... And I would let them walk away and the fact that they are happy breaks me bc I'm SEEING them happy, even tho I'm not the main reason they are....
Do I not have all the "features" She likes? Am I too clingy? Have too many issues that she can handle (but it's not her fault)? Am I too much of a girl still, so it's making her uncomfortable sexuality wise?Am I too emotional, but unemotional at the same time? Hard to love? To show love?
But what if all of my problems are just making her worse bc she's worrying about all of my issues plus hers?
PLUS, I'M NOT A GUY! I MIGHT FEEL LIKE ONE BUT I DON'T LOOK LIKE ONE OR TALK LIKE ONE OR LOVE LIKE ONE AND SOUND AND HEAR AND WORK AND HAVE A FUCKING LIFE LIKE ONE!!!!!!! 😭😭😭SHE IS MY FUCKING GIRL! I EVEN SAID TO HER THROUGH TEXT, THAT SHE WAS MY GIRL EVEN IF WE WEREN'T ACTUALLY DATING! MY THEN, MY NOW, MY INFINITY, REMEMBER???? WELL GUESS INFINITY ONLY LASTS 1 FUCKING YEAR I GUESS.
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE! I NEVER DO ANYMORE UNLESS I TALK TO HER ABOUT THE ISSUE, AND WHEN I HAVE A CHANCE OF LOSING HER MORE THEN NORMAL, I RLLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO FUCKING DO! I HATE IT HOW I'M SO FUCKING ATTACHED TO HER! I'M MORE ATTACHED TO HER THAN I AM TO CJ! BUT I LOVE IT TOO BC SHE DOESN'T RUN FROM IT! I'M FUCKING AFRAID, OK!?!?? ONE OF MY BIGGEST FEARS IS LOSING HER. SOULY HER. NOT ANYONE IN GENERAL, HER.
WHY CAN'T I JUST FUCKING LOVE ANYTHING ENOUGH FOR IT TO STAY! WHY CAN'T I HAVE FUCKING CONTROL OVER SOMETHING! WHY DO I HAVE TO FEEL ALL THESE EMOTIONS AT FUCKING 13!?!?? I'M SO FUCKING TIRED OF DOING THIS DAY TO DAY AND FUCKING WANTING TO CRY EVERY DAMN NIGHT OVER WHATEVER THE FUCK MY MIND DECIDES TO CRY ABOUT. I'M SO FUCKING DONE AND I'M SICK AND TIRED OF IT, BUT THEN IN THE MORNING I FUCKING TEXT TORI AND THEN I FEEL BETTER BUT WHAT THE FUCK WILL I DO IF--NO. WHEN--SHE FINDS SOMEONE ELSE AND JUST MOVES ON?!?! WHO DO I FUCKING TEXT IN THE MORNING THAT GIVES ME THE SAME FUZZY FEELING THROUGHOUT MY BODY AND MAKES ME FEEL OK AND CALM AND SAFE IN THE MORNING? WHO WILL FUCKING BE UP AT 4 IN THE FUCKING MORNING ON FACETIME WITH ME SO I DON'T OVERDOSE ON FUCKING PILLS IN MY HOUSE?!? WHO'S GONNA BE HER, HUH?!?! BECUASE I DON'T FUCKIN THINK THERE IS ANY OTHER GOD DAMN PERSON WHO IS LIKE HER EVEN IN THE SLIGHTEST BIT. SHE'S JUST FUCKING, VICTORIA! NOTHIN ELSE. SHE IS VICTORIA CAPRI LUCHEA TIPPETT! SHE EVEN SAID HER NAME BUT WITH GAMBINO NEXT TO TIPPETT BEFORE! IT MADE ME FEEL AMAZING!!!! WHAT IF THAT DOESNT HAPPEN!!! ID BE SO FUCKING HEART BROKEN IF I FOUND OUT THAT IN SOME FUCKING WAY I'LL LOSE HER!!!!! ID CRY MY EYES OUT FOR SO LONG!! SHE'S MY BEST FRIEND! MY OTHER HALF! SHE'S SO HARD FOR ME TO REALIZE I LOVE HER AND SHE'S SO HARD TO GET AND KEEP BECUASE I'M SUPPOSE TO DO IT! I'M SUPPOSE TO FIGHT MYSELF FOR HER! SHE IS WHAT INSPIRES ME! HER FUCKING EXISTENCE INSPIRED ME TO GET THE FUCK UP AND TRY AND GET BETTER, EVEN IF IT WAS JUST A TINY LITTLE BIT!
I JUST WANT TO FUCKING SCREAM AND CRY UNTIL I LOSE MY VOICE AND DON'T HAVE ANY MORE TEARS!
But I..... I can't. Bc then when I think of her, I smile and feel better..... Nobody has ever made me as happier and sadder than her........ But I just love it..... I want more of it. Of her......... 😔