vents/rants

loving pain

I hate this..
My stomach drops everytime I think of her with someone else. Or the fact that she is not gonna let anybody have her heart. I just wanna cry everytime I think of it. My whole body hurts bc of it. The pain is so bad. I love her so fucking much. I want her so fucking much but I never have an idea on wtf to do when I try to show it. And I don't tell her bc I don't want to make her feel bad. It physically, mentally, and emotionally hurts me. I never knew she meant so much to me until I walked out on her.

What the fuck is going on? Is something wrong with me? What the fuck do I call all of this? I don't fucking know what to call all of the emotion I'm feeling.

God damn.......I'm intensely infatuated with Victoria..... Like, intencely. I love her and hate her at the same time. She's my partner in crime. She's the lover I have in my fantasies. I'm in love with her in every way there is. Good and bad. Idgaf what anybody else has to say about it. I am gonna be in her life as long as she wants, and as long as I humanly can. I don't care if ppl say "you're too young to know what love is stfu and go learn the alphabet." Bc trust me, coming from someone who has trouble loving ppl and showing it and showing that I care, she ALWAYS knows I do, no matter if I'm in a bad mood it not speaking or sad or confused or happy..... She knows me. She fucking understands me. She is all I want.

I was wrong. Im not just in love with the IDEA of her, I AM in love with her. I am in love with Victoria Capri DiGregorio Tippett. I'll say it a million times over again and again, bc honestly it's my favorite thing to say.

And it does honestly kill me a bit every time that I remember that rn she loves me in a friendship way, bc jackasses had to hurt her and drive her to hide her heart from ppl she falls for. Like, dudes she hurts. But she isn't dating for 8th, and I'm a lil upset about it, but I wouldn't force her into anything or any commitment with me/someone.im gonna follow with her vibe, and go along with what she needs/want me to be for her. And I accept that. I accept every fucking thing she feels about me Bc I understand how she fucking thinks. Or at least what she has let me see/know. She trusts me more than any other fucking person she knows. Even more than her friend she's had for 5+years.

I understand slot of things about her, and she understands a lot of things about me. And the fact that, after leaving her and getting back with her and saying rlly hurtful shit to her about her personal life, she says that I have NEVER hurt her. I think it's bc she knows that I try to control my Impulses, And that I am scared of so much shit that I feel with her/about her, and she understands that. She might not agree with it in curtain situations, but she understands y. She tries to help me all the time. She would defend my honor in a second if I asked her to. Hell, she'd do it on her own without me telling her to, bc she wants to protect me. She can't protect me all the way from my inner self, but she makes it her job to protect me on the outside. She's my muse, my guidance, my power, my hope, my faith, my optimism, my sadness, my anger, my flaws, my creativity. She's my leader, my helper, my protector, my safe place, my comfort, my stability, my peace, my calmness. My likes. My love. My hate. My best friend. My sister. My other half. My girl. My partner in crime. My Sicilian bud. My cell buddy. My girlfriend. My commitment. My wife. My goddes. My guardian angel.
My THEN,
My NOW,
My INFINITY.