vents/rants

to:her

I've been teared down so much I don't even know what I am anymore.

And if I'm being honest, to me,
You were my Jesse.
Like how Tori is with Jesse and how she feels. About Him.
You were that to me. So when I say that I literally feel like I'm dying I mean it.

Quite frankly, I've been in such a depressive state ever since that night that I don't care about anything. All I want to fucking do is sit in the dark and just cry and scream and hit things because to me I lost the one thing that numbed everything I had going on. And then it was gone and I didn't have that one person that made it all feel worth it. So now, if I say I hate myself I truly. Mean it. Because you were the only person that made me believe I was good enough. That I was someone and something to hold onto. And then in a split second it was all shattered and I felt that I would and never was good enough. And every guilty thought and bad feeling piled onto me and I couldn't stop it because if I tried to snap back I would've said hurtful shit and I couldn't do that to you anymore because in my eyes this was my fault. I feel like if I had just kept my mouth shut I could've kept you and I could've been able to fix myself because with you I felt on top of the world and then I felt Like I was 6 feet fucking under. and I really had no one to talk to. Because all I got was 'sorry' and I'm so fucking tired of hearing the word sorry because it never does anything.

And you still hurt me so no avoiding that. Because I don't understand how you can just do quickly switch on me. Idgaf if I did it to you in the beginning. That was the beginning. How are you able to do that after everything and just throw me away. Because after days of sitting here without talking to you I never let go because I'm not ready to let go of smtg that meant so much.
It mostly confuses me bc what the hell do I keep doing wrong that lands me. In the same spot with so many ppl. That's why I hate myself bc I feel like there's just smtg wrong with me thst makes ppl do this. Like as if I always love too much.

And the one thing that gets me,
Is me believing that I'm not enough.
I hate myself. I feel like I'm dying. This is one of my lowest points since the ending of last summer.
I'm having panic attacks everyday because every song I hear reminds me of you in some way. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I don't want to exist right now. Not that I want to die, I just want to not exist. Just be gone for a day and not feel a thing. The night it happened, I almost made alex host and got rid of myself. I did for a few hours but then he pushed me back out. I really saw no point in anything.

The second Tori started talking about how you were gonna show up tonight I started tearing up and panicking.

I honestly feel as though you lost nothing. Because that's how you made it seem when you ended it.
And all you can talk about is kayden. Ike as if getting rid of me was just so you didn't feel bad about gushing over her.
Why me. Why couldn't you just tell me the truth. Why didn't you just tell me that you stopped loving me at the beginning of all of this mess. 3 months of you saying you loved me and wanted me and needed me and that yous always be there and that I helped you and all of that was bullshit to you. "Love". You said we would always be together bc we were under the same sky. Ruined that for me. Ruined the color purple for me. That's the color of ink you used in that note. You lied to me. For so long. But ya know what it wasn't all bullshit to me bc throughout all of it YOU were the one that filled that hole in my chest. YOU were the one that calmed me. Loved... Wait. No. You didn't love me. I thought you did. You made me belirbelieve you did. You knew what I went through for a year and a half. And you..... You replicate it. You made me go through it all over again.