envelop, a written letter

questionable

i am a young girl. i was raised in a very poor area, a town that is around drugs and kind people.

i had grown up to see my two parents normally split. in all honestly my parents were never together in my eyes. father to work day and night and not even spend time with me. as my mother would look after me daily, clean my clothes and hers. feed me and her. thing is, i had two elder sisters. 1992, a scorpio. kindest one. 1993, a sagittarius. abusive.

a & h were not allowed around me when i was younger. i was slapped by both due to sobbing. i was 5 months old if i'm correct. mother never let them watch after me.

h would always mock me, slap me, pull my hair. steal my clothes. rip them up. she is 8 years older than me. a would go out and party, but still try to be the gentlest she could be. she is 9 years older than me.

now, both are beautiful. both, half siblings. both with children.. both i never see.

i've seen at a young age of abuse and sadness. i've experienced quite different things. i see myself as a phantom sometimes, and it's not so bad.

now i'm thinking scattered.. i'm looking off quite a lot. wondering what the cold winter water would feel against my skin. wondering if it's normal to think so maturely. i wonder why people belittle this earth. i see how truly gorgeous it is. i feel connected sometimes.

the sky sobs, remember how her daughter is to be with the dark castle. demeter is depressed, her gorgeous daughter of spring and fall being kept away from the warmth of mother. the wind grows bitter and cold, carrying the colorful leaves that her daughter would oh so love. flakes through the sky fly, snow, snow of cold tears expressing love.

i wonder too much. i think and paint this imaginary world of mine. but then i snap to logical thoughts.

back when i was younger, i thought this way too. i would dance with the wind and feel it's embrace. caressing me. it's so nice.

when i was younger i also see a man say he loved his children and wife but then later neglect and not prove a drop of his love. gambling, beating. whatever he could do.

now, the reason why i'm in this world is.. questionable. i was not a consent baby. i was an unexpected being. i was not wanted either. the womb that held me, sobbed for me and kept me. even with being told she needed an abortion.. she sobbed out and said never.

questionable.. questionable, questionable.. i wonder who could've been in this world if not me.