envelop, a written letter

meaningless

i suppose i can say this, i've kept quiet for a little too long on it. i'll admit it, i really do enjoy love. though its really painful, it'll always be painful. truly it shouldn't but the only way for you to learn for yourself, is to experience it. it's not easy to express how you feel, it's hard for me to fucking open up, my first true love, broke my walls down so easily. next after that, he admitted he didn't love me.

i'm still really thinking. at the moment, i'm hungry. kind of scared to eat due to the bulimia. i keep puking. i was really young when i remember i hated my skin. i clawed at it. i feel... meaningless. i feel meaningless until i puke, purge, starve. i keep sick. sick...

i remember so much but so little. i've been told continuously, i am nothing. i should've cut deeper two weeks ago. if i did, i wouldn't be in ache, i wouldn't be crying every fucking day. no one knows. no one knows i am this, i am shit, i am nothing in this bullshit. i remember the day i told my mother, i want to kill myself. her eyes glazed over. her eyes, did not meet mine. i knew that day, my mother couldn't accept how her youngest, wished to have died. i sometimes remind myself, i was to be aborted. father did not want me. if he could, he would've suffocated me. he would've smothered me until my cries did not continue no more.

i'm sorry. i shouldn't be talking to a lot of you people. i'm trying here. i don't feel good. i really don't. i wish you understood like you said you did. two weeks ago you stopped me from committing a crime to my life. you made me interested. i don't know why but i feel like you saved me. in reality you didn't. i saved myself because i was dumb enough to message you. you somehow knew i wasn't okay, you somehow knew i wasn't... myself. weird. i was selfish. in the end, i became selfless. i want you to go be happy, to go back to your happiness, even if i'm not it, even if i'm not within it, even if i'm nowhere in the view, even if even if... even if, you don't need me anymore.

in the end, i became meaningless, an extra. a background character. and that's okay. i've accepted it. it's okay. and i'm sorry. i shouldn't of bothered.

i hope you understand.

i'm sorry, once again.