envelop, a written letter

03-10-1958

i wonder daily how things would've been. if you didn't go. if you didn't leave this fucking earth. i wish you could've seen me grow. i want to show off my paintings to you. i want to show my grades, have you see me walk that stage with honor roll, see you smile and clap for me.

mom says daily how i paint like you. it aches so damn much. you would've been 62. you would've been able to live when i had kids... you would've been a great grandpa. you were a good grandpa to me, you cared and loved me. i don't know where i'd be if you weren't in my life. you impacted me so well. how? why...

i hate how i couldn't say i love you one last time. i wish i could've. you were my father figure almost. you took care of me more than my actual dad. shocking huh? i can't believe this. you've been gone since 2017. since november. you fucking died before we could have thanksgiving. we could've done so much more but everything took the turn for the worse. it shouldn't of been. you had so many more years. you had the chance to tell me more stories! i appreciate your best friend telling me them but it's not YOU... it's not you here, able to talk about your alien stories you love. i miss that. i hate this fucking feeling.

i'm stressing myself out. i wanna be perfect but i feel so useless. i've been keeping a positive thought buts not fucking working. i'm so exhausted and i can't keep doing this bullshit. every time i take a step, you force me to take two more. every time i take another breath, you force me to exhale and take more. it's like your spirit isn't giving up because you couldn't stand how you would let me.

i know you wouldn't want me to feel this way, but it's so hard when you made my life change so much. you played games on hours with me until you passed out. you drove me to restaurants on sundays to hang out and spoil me. i remember the waitress we had. i remember the cooks name. when i was 5, i thought he was cute. he was such a good person. i don't think he's in the state anymore, but if he is, i wanna meet him and say thank you so much. i wanna meet the waitress, though i know she moved with her children, i want to say thank you for such beautiful memories she put with you.

i miss you to death. this day shouldn't be killing me because it's your birthday. the day i should celebrate your life you once had. i just want to make your favorite cake, laugh at stupid alien conspiracies again. i miss our family. it broke once you left. it broke...

your cats miss you... they had to be split... they began to fight and couldn't cope with you gone. they miss you every day and i can't believe it broke them. they loved you just like i did. they got to see you last. know your last breath was gone. it hurts. imagine your best friend dying. the one who you seen every day and spent almost every day with, gone. forever...

i don't know anymore... i would've been better if i left too..

march 10th may be the death of me. if so, then so be it.