envelop, a written letter

guilty

daily i remind myself of the past. i feel guilty big time. i admit, ive done some shitty things in the past. not many people know this is me right now, but if you do find this. know that i too am human.

ive done some shitty things. i would flirt with anyone around 15 years old, lead on a few people and i feel guilty still. ive... hurt so many people i loved and cared for. i feel bad still. to those ive hurt, don't forgive me, i don't blame you. i don't. i want to improve on myself. i cannot say no, i feel selfish if i do. i've always been a people pleaser. i feel hopeless right now.

i think daily, what if my mom did abort me like dad had asked. if he did so, no one would've been hurt. but at the same time... so many would-be dead too if i wasn't around. i have stopped so many people's suicides, so many things just by words and saying "yes" to them. it's sad. i want to make people happy but in the end, it does nothing. nothing helps people as if. i feel weak, useless. i cannot save everyone, i know but... i question so much ya know? to those that may read this, a lot of these are suicide notes that i've thought about in the past. there is many more on my phone yeah but these are ones i'm usually writing down in person and think beforehand. no one knows but... maybe you'll understand, right? barely anyone does now.

i've had a lot of problems. the fact i made secret accounts on reddit and more to find advice on abuse, on help, on how to get away from situations. it's hard, ya know. ive worked so hard on me. it's hard, yeah but... no one knows i write poems as i do, no one knows i speak so... softly. my real personality is different. i put on this persona as happiness, pure. little people know of my PTSD, sleep paralysis and more. its hard. its... really hard... people hold a lot on me, i've made so many mistakes, i know. none of that is excused. im working on them as we speak, im trying here. no one knows about this as of right now. no one knows ive been writing more. the other night, i went on LOA for a reason. i had two break downs and one leads to near self harm almost suicide. it didn't happen because i just laughed. i felt so crazy about it, i did but. my friend thought it was making it due to attention. it... hurt a lot, yeah... i'm trying guys. i know you don't think i am but i am.

i've had a lot of people threaten my life to either killing me or worse. that excuses nothing for my bad doings.

i... am so sorry to those i had hurt... i'm so sorry that i even came back. i shouldn't of. i hurt so many people. i'm so sorry. i love you guys so much. you're all wonderful and beautiful people.

ian, i'm so sorry for how i treated you. i feel so guilty for what i've done, i know you don't care and think you deserved it but you didn't. you're so kind and wonderful, i hope you know how much you mean to me. you're my best friend... you will always be my best friend. i'm so sorry. i love you to death. i'm... so sorry... i can't accept it. i don't blame your best friend for hating me. i hurt you too much... i'm sorry.

nathan, i wish you knew how much you've helped me, little dude. you're like a little brother to me and i appreciate you to no end.

julia. you're so... kind to me. i don't deserve it. i'm so sorry we don't talk much. i feel guilty for that. you're so beautiful. don't let anyone else say you aren't.

dawson, i'm sorry for being distant. i don't want you to feel bad if i actually go through with this. in the future or not, who knows.

swinny. you're the kindest person. you've been there for me so many times and i love it. you have a big ass heart. you welcomed me and handle my headassery. i love ya.

jynx... girly. you're so beautiful inside and out. i hope you know i admire you so much for your chill behavior and your golden heart.

jarrett. you're so wonderful. you deserve a lot. i'm so sorry for the distancing. i don't try to do that.

adam/patrick, you're a sweetheart. you've made me laugh and smile. you're so kind to me too. i'm not used to people welcoming me as you did. you're SUPER smart.

i'll probably add more in the next one if there is one... i'm so sorry.

the guilt is eating me slowly. i'm crying as we speak but who knows... we may never know...

i'll probably listen to some music, play a few games. maybe not... i don't know.