envelop, a written letter

wondering

i don't exactly know what love mean sometimes. i don't exactly know what sadness, hopeless means sometimes. sometimes i'm really numb. i'm sometimes.. i miss feeling something. i think a lot of drinking and getting high. no, it's not good but i have no where else for a vent, an outlet. i don't know.

wondering is really the word for me today. i've been thinking so much today. wondering is who i've been since i was 6. today, demeter is crying. today she is a sobbing mess. she's noticing who she is. she is a mother to grow her daughter and her world. some of her world is lacking her sobs. sometimes her sobs can be dry.. sometimes.. she feels nothing. she sometimes wonders.. she's wondering herself too.

you see, i look at the leaves and wonder, am i like the trees? am i like the goddess? the answer is no. i am not. i am just her leaf. i am one from her seeds. we fall and we soon regrow. that's a new chapter for us.

i'm wondering. i'm scattered. who am i? you see, i would've been someone else if i didn't ask these questions. i would think i am the goddess, i'm no narcissist. an empath has no feeling for themselves. they envy others, they wonder what it may be like to feel beautiful and or to know they are.

this window is so foggy, smooth though.. we are sometimes glass. sometimes we can see right through us but those other days we cannot. some days we are rough on the edges but what days are smooth..? the smoothened days are foggy for us but they're the softest cloud for us, they're the coolest night. the beautiful call of a hummer birds wings, beating against its chest.

sometimes i feel nothing.. somedays i feel nothing because i dissociate myself. i disconnect emotions, feelings. i question it.. i'm thinking.. i'm thinking too much. my head aches but i don't care.. just take me the hell home.. i'm thinking... i'm thinking of the window to open and jump out it. hit by many. just wanting it to stop feeling numb. i sometimes just hate people so violently but then just wonder what i thought...

a noun. empath. a person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual. a person who doesn't give a shit about themselves but others.

a noun. narcissist. a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves. a person who thinks themself as a god.

.. father, whyre you a person who abuses me so.. you make me wonder. i no longer wonder who you are. but i wonder myself.. i hate myself.. i can't love myself. it's impossible. i think.. i think. i wonder.. i wonder.. who could i be..?