Blue Fire

Chapter Twenty-Nine - Closing a Door, Opening Another

SARA

I was walking along the grass where I once upon a time spent some of my time, where Try had pushed a mower, and where my life had changed. I tried to remember myself as I was then, frightened, resigned, in love with so many of them.... Shit. My ride with Wilder had been brutal. And it never should have happened in the first place. If Catcher hadn't brought me here out of some kind of guilt, I would have been somewhere else entirely right now. I wasn't sure if that would have been better or not, I was just sure that I never got a choice. He chose all of this for me. At this point I was kind of okay with that, though.

I thought about Try. The first person I loved who passed away. And passed away needlessly. He mowed this grass, he drove me wherever I wanted to go, he listened to my kind of music even though he despised it, he laid with me in a room for hours on end just talking or being together... I missed him. I missed him still and a part of me always would. Just like I'd miss the woman I once was.

My life had been a rollercoaster all of my life. In the beginning the hills and dips had come frequently, scaring the shit out of me, then it had been somewhat smooth sailing. The wild I'd had was manageable because I could always leave, no ties to make me stay but only my mind and my blood to guide me onwards. Now, I was so tied down I was basically stationary, and I was staying still with these strange and damaged people. I still didn't like the women, still felt that churn of bile when they sat down to talk to me in the common room when they would have just left if I walked in before. I was an old lady in a sense, I was an old lady in the eyes of the club and that meant I got a whole lot of respect I never did before, I almost choked on my pizza when Luke handed me a napkin without me asking for it, and when Tank held my hand as I walked down the stairs I felt faint. They were attentive as fuck, some of that obviously stemming from my heavy and obvious pregnancy. I was a whale waddling around a den of depravity 24/7. Of course, that was strange for them, women spent the daylight hours here if they were old ladies and had a purpose to fill around here, or during the nighttime either looking to fuck bikers or being tied to a biker who wanted to fuck right quick when they were partying. This was not a place pregnant women spent time. This wasn't a place where Layla made porridge, and crispy kale chips, and fucking hummus so I'd stay healthy. This was where she stocked the fridge with hot-pockets and made huge servings of meat-galore, whether it was brisket or steak, ribs or pulled anything. This was the place she stocked with chips, endless beer, pretzels and enough bread to choke a horse.

So, I had a place now, one I hadn't had. And, I loved Catcher. I knew I did now because since that night, he'd spent every available moment with me and reminding me of exactly why I loved him.

He listened to me freak the fuck out from time to time about not knowing how to handle a kid, and he calmed me down. He even got a diaper down from my severely stocked cabinet and showed me how to change one. He'd babysat as a way to get money whilst he was in school and training to become a mechanic, so he was calm as shit with all this. Plus, he'd already had a son of his own.

He let me cry on him when he told me he was going away for three days on club-business.

I loved him.

Maybe it was Stockholm-syndrome, but I fucking loved him.

"Sunshine," someone called out and I stopped to look over at them. Green was striding towards me from Church. As he was tall, his stride was fast and deliberate, his blonde hair pushed back but kind of flipping in the wind.

I loved him too, once upon a time. I missed him now. He'd been my gateway into this, my path of guidance into club-life. And he'd been gone forever and I'd stumbled along in the darkness. I had needed him for ages now. Fucking ages.