Just, me.

Journal entry|17

|November 8th, 2018

|5:24pm-5:34pm

"I honestly don't know how I feel at the moment. I haven't written in a long time and I just completely ignore my journal. Probably not something my counselor wants me to do but, oh well I guess. I don't really have any motivation for anything anymore but I guess it's fine. I am actually really cold and my mood was fine but then I decided to listen to some stupid music and make myself kind of upset but not really I guess. I don't know. It doesn't really matter anymore. Yesterday sucked. A lot. I wanted to cry so bad and just. Scream. Scream for ages until I lose my voice. I tried to go see my counselor but she was busy. I think I'm just gonna avoid her for the rest of this month. Unless, there's group therapy but that isn't so often so I don't have to worry. Life is okay. I guess. My ex kind of sucks right now. Sometimes I think I miss him but then I see him and remember things he's done and those thoughts go away so quick. I hate him. I wish he would leave me alone. I didn't do anything. At least not that I know of. But, oh well. You can't make everyone happy and I guess I just have to deal with that. Why do I even care who's happy or not anyway? It's not my problem. 

I kind of just want to take a break from everything. Isolate myself. But, I know that's a bad idea and isolating myself will take a bad turn and I'll end up avoiding everyone again for ages. I'll just get worse. I still want to do it though. I feel so alone but at the same time I feel like people just don't leave me alone for even two seconds. 

I've also been really tired recently and I don't know why. I just can't handle anything anymore. Eating habits are getting worse but I do that to myself. I know I shouldn't but I hate my body so much. I put reminders on my phone telling me not to eat. Majority of the time they work. I changed it to 4 out of the 7 days of the week I'll listen and 3 out of the 7 I won't. It works. Or it will. I hope. It might work regardless and I might not even eaten the days I'm allowed because at this point, food disgusts me. 

My mom tries to get me to eat but I just feel so sick afterwards and I don't want to. I don't even feel hungry. Just tired and cold all the time but it's okay. I just want to be thin.

I'm trying to grow my hair out again too. I don't know how long I'll stick with that statement but I'm trying. I don't really like my hair but I want to be seen more as a girl. The boy comments are getting kind of annoying and making me feel worse about myself. That's why I deleted all pictures of myself anywhere I posted some. I just can't look at myself anymore. I hate myself.

I hate myself so much. I wish I didn't, I wish I was capable of loving or even liking myself but I can't. It's so hard. I'm so tired."