Just, me.

Journal Entry| 25

|April 7th, 2019

|7:50pm-8:12pm

I haven't done this in a long time and that's honestly probably why I haven't been coping well. Nothing bad has necessarily happened I'm just upset as usual. It's been a lot of ups and downs with my emotions. I think most of the time I'm happy, maybe? I don't really know. I also spend a lot of my time being irritated. I'm not really sure why, a lot of things just bother me. I make myself sad a lot too. I'm also so tired all the time, even if I take naps. I took one earlier and I'm still so beyond tired. All I do is sleep, or not sleep at all. I go from sleeping at 4am and waking at 6am for two weeks and then another two where I sleep at 3pm, wake up at 10pm, and sleep again at 12am until 6am. Right now I guess my sleep schedule is alright, besides all of the napping. I feel really annoying. Sorry I'm jumping from topic to topic, it's been really difficult trying to focus lately. School is going good I think, my grades are back to normal. All A's. Both of my parents today told me they bought life insurance. I guess that's not a huge deal but having them both tell me on the same day was kind of rough. I don't like thinking about them being gone. Even if my dad and I don't really get along, I still don't want him gone. 

My dad means a lot to me. I paint a bad picture of him to a lot of people but he isn't so bad sometimes. He can be a good dad every now and then. He does a lot for us and I guess he tries his best. I miss when he and I got along super well. Before he started judging me for everything I did. Before he started calling me names. Before he started comparing me to my mom whenever I did something wrong. Before he started getting upset at me for every small thing I did wrong. 

I miss when he would be more...fatherly. I just want him to tell me he loves me. It's so rare when he does. But when he does, it means a lot. I feel super bad because I'm obviously not the daughter he hoped for. My issues just add on to his stress. All the hospital bills he has to pay because of me. All the arguments between him and my mom because of me. Etc. Etc.. 

And my mom. I feel so guilty. I want to tell her I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm not the daughter you wanted. I'm sorry for the hospital bills. I'm sorry for all the psychiatrist changes. I'm sorry for all the phone calls from counselors. I'm sorry for all the arguments we have about my health. I'm sorry I'm not productive. I'm sorry for making you cry. I'm sorry for making you angry. So much stress you have is because of me. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry my dad blames you for my problems. I'm sorry.

To Hannah. I'm sorry for being so mean to you. I'm sorry for not being there when you needed me. I'm sorry for not supporting you when you needed it. I'm sorry for not comforting you when you needed it. I'm sorry for lying to you so many times. I'm sorry about Trevor.

Adam. I'm so fucking sorry. I'm sorry for manipulating you. I'm sorry for lying to you. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for leaving you when I did, and coming back whenever I felt like it. I'm sorry for playing with your feelings. I'm sorry for being mean. I'm sorry for making you feel like everything was your fault. I'm sorry that I'm not there for you anymore. I'm really sorry. I hope you're doing well.

Zavier. I'm sorry too. I'm sorry for all the arguments. I'm sorry for not believing you love me. I'm sorry for accusing you of things. I'm sorry for being clingy. I'm sorry for making you mad. I'm sorry for worrying you. I'm sorry for lying to you. I'm sorry for not being open and telling you things when it's necessary. I'm sorry for all the nights I've gone to sleep ignoring you, being mad at you, being upset because of you. I'm sorry for not telling you when something is wrong. I'm sorry for not always being able to see you. I'm sorry for not doing what you want me to do. I'm sorry for being so scared of everything. I'm sorry for being confusing. I'm sorry for being sensitive. I'm sorry for being annoying when I very obviously am. I'm sorry for being so rude and cold at times. I really don't mean to be. I'm sorry for not saying I love you back at times. Because I do. I really do. It just doesn't feel right saying it at certain times. I can't bring myself to. But I promise I do. I always will. I'm sorry for probably ruining so many of your days just because I'm upset. I'm sorry for the randomly hanging up and ignoring your calls when you call back. I'm terrible at being a girlfriend. I don't know how you deal with me. Maybe one day I'll get better at it, if you don't leave me. I'm not saying that to guilt trip you into staying with me. You can leave whenever you want to. I'll be okay. Please don't worry about me. And I promise I care about you. I care probably a bit too much and it must be annoying sometimes. I'm sorry that I need constant reassurance too. This is getting too long. Anyway, I guess the point is that I'm obviously sorry.