18 Weeks

The 18th Week/ Chapter 10

When I woke up in the morning the pain had seemed to disappear. I went to go eat and then get my daily chores done. About 30 minutes after waking up the pain returned and was much more worse than yesterday afternoon. I tried to plug along because I had work that day. Around 10:00 am I felt an incredible urge to use the restroom. It had felt like my uterus was tightening up on me. I ran to the restroom barely had pull my pants down when a large amount of fluid flowed out of my vagina. Oh my god this is not normal. Jessica was in her apartment area, so with out asking for entrance like I usually would I came running in telling her that a bunch of fluid just gushed out my vagina. She said that sometimes pregnant women will have a bladder leakage. I decided to leave her alone after that. In the back of my mind something was very wrong. That was way to much fluid to be urine. For the next hour the pain got worse and worse. I was upstairs pacing back and forth worrying. I had no clue what was going on with my body. At 11:00 am the pain got so bad by the time I got to the bottom of the stairs I couldn't breathe. Anthony came out in the living room where I was standing and got quite upset. He said he'd take me to the hospital but In would loose my job and get fired. I let the rude comment slide, I was in too much pain. I felt something in my underwear. Not caring Anthony was still there I pulled down my underwear and there was two little feet sticking out of my crotch. Anthony ran in the apartment and called 911. All I could do was stare in disbelief. What the hell is happening. By the time the ambulance came in through the door, I felt the rest of the baby slide down my pants. I had caught it in my hands and put it on the floor. The ambulance laid me in the floor. I looked to the right and saw the undeveloped fetus on the floor beside me. It was Friday April 27th 2012. I was exactly 18 weeks.  All I could do was scream. At this point Stephanie came down the stairs, saw what was going on and ran up stairs crying. Jessica went after her. Abbey came rushing down stairs to wipe my tears and comfort me. She told me everything was going to be alright and that I was brave. Jackie Fuller from the PHC also came in to also comfort me. The EMT turned to me and said that my baby was dead before I delivered it. I had a stillbirth. The EMT put the baby on my chest and wheeled me away in the ambulance. The child felt cold on my chest. Massive amounts of blood was coming out. The EMT picked up the baby and showed me. The baby's features looked complete. It looked like me. They put the baby in a red plastic bag since I did not want to hold it. When I arrived at the hospital I was still bleeding pretty bad. A doctor named Barry Creel was going to assist me. I had explained to him that the EMT could not deliver my placenta. He tried as well and failed. He then went over to the table where the baby was. He looked inside the bag and told me it was a girl. I cried. That's what I wanted. He told me he'd be back. I looked at Jessica and apologized. She replied that It wasn't my fault. To be honest The day I felt the back to uterus pain I knew something was strange. I just had no idea I was in labor! The doctor came back and had me sign papers. He told me I was going to he prepped for surgery. He said it was a minor surgery called a D&C dilation and curretage. He said what he would do since the baby is already delivered and the cord is cut he'd take a curretage, a scraping instrument and clean the inside of my uterus and get the placenta out. He wouldn't have to make an incision. He'd open up through the vagina and do it that way. I was loosing lots of blood so I agreed to sign the papers. By the time they were ready for me I was pale and on the verge of passing out. I was barely able to make it on the surgery table. They wrapped me up in blankets first while a man in a red bandana introduced himself as my anesthesiologist. The last thing I remember before going under was him saying " welcome to my office." A few seconds later I was out. I woke up in the recovery room when a nurse was putting more blankets on me. She was real sweet. I was still really drugged up. The nurse then wheeled me back into the room where they brought me first. I looked to the left where the table was. The baby was gone. The doctor must have taken her for analysis. Jessica came in the room and said she had to go and get the kids from school and make dinner. She told me Abbey would be getting me since Jessica had to be off duty. While sitting there, thoughts ran through my mind. What did I do wrong. I hope I didn't hurt the baby. I didn't know what to think anymore. About an hour later Abbey came to pick me up. We waited there in silence until the nurse came in and gave me a teddy bear. I read the card on it and it said Baby Johnson 4-27-12  on the back and then I flipped the card to the front and it read pregnancy and infancy loss. It also had a help hotline number for grieving mothers. I looked at the nurse and said thank you. She smiled sweetly back and to my surprise she went over to hug me. I accepted. The nurse had me sign discharge papers then we were on our way. On the drive home I apologized to Abbey and again for the trouble. She said you are not in fault and its ok cry, so I did. We arrived at the home and about 10 minutes after arriving my mom called furious. She told me how I had messed up and that they did not want me back because I would only trash them again. The only thing I said was that I had to go then I hung up on her. I ran crying upstairs. Why did my mom say those horrible harsh things to me? I literally just came out of surgery. I heard the phone ring again. Anthony answered it but did not call me down to receive it. I heard him question my mom and then he went into his apartment area to finish the call. About 15 minutes of crying Jessica came in my room with my dinner. She told me that I could eat up here. I was really hungry. Stephanie then came upstairs to talk to me. I told her I was sorry I made her cry. She told me it was ok. She was crying for me. I looked down and she just sat in silence with me. Abbey then came in and asked if we wanted a campfire and smores. We went into the back yard to the fire pit. Abbey started the fire then gave Stephanie and I sticks with marshmallows, and roasted them for our smores. Making smores was probably the highlight of my day. I was exhausted and ,mentally drained. First I lost my child, then got emotionally abused by my mom. I wasn't even able to talk to my dad. Before bed Anthony called me up and said he wanted to speak with me. He said that I would have to go home the next day. I cried and pleaded with him to stay. I also mentioned that residents were allowed to stay up to one year after giving birth. He said that being around pregnant women would not help me heal from my experience. I finally said ok and before I walked off Anthony mentioned that I could sleep in and that I was exempt from Saturday weekly chores. I was glad. I said thank you to Anthony and went to my room. I turned off the lights but left the closet light on to prevent nightmares. I also left the radio on and turned it down so no one else could hear it. After a couple hours of staying up listening to the radio, I finally fell asleep. It was 10:30 when Jessica woke me up saying my dad was on the phone. Not much was said rather than that he was going to pick me  up today. After the phone call Jessica gave me my birth certificate back and my suit case and I started to pack. I decided to take my time. I packed my toiletries and the note book I never used. I also packed that letter. I threw away adoption papers and my appointment card to meet with the lady from the adoption agency. I had decided that I was going the adoption route since I had no support outside the maternity home. There was no way my mom would allow me to bring the baby and live there at home. I threw away a lot of things. I kept a couple of things. After packing I cleaned and vacuumed the room. Right before I left Abbey came downstairs and gave me a homemade card. I thanked her, she hugged me and we said our goodbyes. Anthony Jessica and Stephanie came along. The whole ride was silent. Then only thing I could think of is what I would battle next while trying to heal from my awful experience.