Upside Down

Heart break

Like I mentioned last time I was going to pick up stuff from my house when I reached my door and found a letter! It was from my dad .... I don't remember what it said literally... But I remembered stuff like "I am your father, I love you and always will, I will always Wanna you even if you didn't, soon you will grow up and understand and come to me" and at that moment I broke up again or rather what left of me .... Millions of thoughts raced into my head " *I know he loves me, he loves us then why so stubborn, yes I wanna you but I can't be with you when you hurt me and mom, you say I am dead for you then you say you love me, when I grow up I will understand ?!?! I wish he knew I did already and that is why I was like this*", I understood so much up above the lies and the acts, everyone acts nice to me and my mom while stabbing us from the back, one day they hurt you and another they help you , they don't wanna you to be better but they don't wanna to lose you, what kind of rule is this… I emtered my house still looking at the letter and crying more thinking he came here ... He wanted to see me or us but he couldn't reach us cause we changed our number since last fight, I kept crying for a while and then looked at his pic , all I got from him and closed all and left it, got the stuff I need and went out like nothing happened, went home and continued my life , I don't remember if I saw him again after that but I don't think so, and we spent more months till I turned 13 maybe going on 14 ... Passed his BD I couldn't say anything to him... I still regret it till this day,I can be stupid stubborn too, I didn't see him for two years now.. my uncle traveling .. him with his "new" family and me with my grandma and mom and when my uncle comes in vacation we get back to our home till he leaves .... Till the day I would never expect came .... 3 Months before my 14 bd and 2 months after his bd ... I was going through my exams for last year in my prep school , I never stopped thinking about him but I would say we fight everytime and he gets back, I know he will like everytime just leave it and enough sadness, but this time he didn't come back , laying on the ground one night besides my grandma watching TV when I heard my mom talking in the phone ...I thought it is okay .. till she came out of the room with yellow face ... My grandma was like what happened ? My mom barely could say ... "Max ..." My grandma was like what about him? .. my mom went like ... *Max is dead*
My grandma couldn't believe it ..and I couldn't realize it ... My grandma kept telling her no it can't be .. my mom told yes in an accident .. car crash while he was travelling... I am still numb inside ..I didn't realize I didn't believe...
My mom went like " I knew something was wrong this evening ... I cried during my lesson for no reason and couldn't stop it .. it was same time as the death"
My thoughts stuttered and I stopped thinking ... I laughed .. it can't be true ... Anyway .. I have exam tomorrow and so I went to sleep ... I had been numb for two years ... And I am still
Sec day I woke up .. news are still the same, everyone talking about his death but he didn't die, it can't be , I didn't see him, I didn't say goodbye,I didn't tell him how much I loved him despite everything, but it happened and I found my mom telling me we should be traveling to his state for the funeral , and to visit him, I nodded and went with her.. all the way I am not thinking..I am mentally paralyzed... I saw all my life and all our memories in front of me.. I visited him and prayed with .. I couldn't believe the words written on his stone .. his name and the date .. no it can't be.. I didn't realize all that but on my way home .. all were talking about a lot but I couldn't hear anything not even myself.. all I took on my way home was his pen... His smell..his touch was still on it ..I kept smelling it like crazy .. who smells a pen ... But I wanted to feel him one last time before it fades away .. his smell was still in my home... Despite all that ..for weeks later .. my mind couldn't accept his death ,no he is coming back .. he is doing that just to know how much he is precious to us,he can't be gone, I keep telling that to my mom week after week .. till I gave up .. he is gone and that night I gave up was the night I cried for his death .. I cried in my sleep and my mom heard me ..I let it all out to her ..my feelings ...my love ..how I missed him...why he did that... All I let out ... And ... My mind finally realized it while I was going through my first year of high school in my new school ... which was best yet worst..
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Hey lovelies..sorry for not updating in days but I am back .. now that Alex is alone .. mentally ..for herself going through her first year of high school .. it wasn't the end of her pains .. wanna know more .. keep up for next chapter😊😊
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