word vom

1

im warning you now that i did happen to take a little bit of something but im fine ive done it before. i feel like im back to the beginning of the downhill spiral i started in 2012. i cant tell you why or when i started to come back to this but its been a while. ive been blacking out and losing my balance and ive been so tired i couldn't move at times. the other day i almost slept 24 hours in a vicodin/anxiety medication induced drowsiness and i gotta say, it was nice to hibernate. at least in my dreams i was able to pretend i was okay. before anyone reports this or asks if im okay (not that i expected that from anybody, nobody really cares about anyone) im fine, im not suicidal atm and i actually have goals and things i want to get done on a day to day basis. i have a life i want to live but the thing is i have no energy or motivation to do these things i want/need to do. if im productive im most likely having a manic episode, and unlike most people with manic episodes i actually cherish them. the work might not be great but hey, i showered, cleaned my room, and did 5 assignments. its better than what my blob form would ever do. speaking of, i broke myself down into different parts, not like DID i dont have different personalities, i just notice how i function and decided to put some names to it. the main thing i feel is a blob. thats me when im depressed and when i cant be the high functioning person i ws so used to being for all those years. this part of me just sleeps and stared at walls. then there is my noodle brain which is my ever tangling ball of anxiety that pretty much consumes me most of the time, even when im a blob. then theres my mania which is me zooming, getting things done and singing and dancing and taking care of myself but it doesn't last long, then theres my actual piece of shit side that is shit to everyone and hates everything and is hella pessimistic and eats terrible (if i eat) and doesnt shower or change my clothes and just basically i leave myself for dead. things usually work in that order then repeat. blob + noodles, mania, shit, repeat. so thats my life and its really shit

another thing is that i was really little when the chemicals in my brain went to shit so i dont really know myself, of course ive tried to find it over the years by trying stuff out and acting certain ways but the only thing i really know about my personality is that im an INFJ. i always have been, since before i went to shit, so i know that about myself and really it's rooted in every part of me making it kinda clearer what im life but its still not crystal clear who i am or what im really like, not to mention im a teenaged girl whos constantly fucking bleeding out of my vagina.

on the subject of bleeding for 7 days, is it only me or do other parents (mothers specifically) and medical professionals completely discard any bad thoughts like suicidal thoughts or thoughts of self harm or just really bad depression if you're on your period? that to me is seeing a girl on the side of the street bleeding out and screaming "help me ive been shot, please call 911" and someone walking up to them, looking at them for a minute and saying, "it looks like you got stabbed, not shot" then walking away without doing shit. in the end nobody helps her and she'll die, shot or stabbed, it's still killing her. so when i say "wow i feel really terrible, i think im gonna hurt myself" and my mom or therapist ask "are you on your period or pmsing" and god forbid i am because they'll dismiss it and act like i didn't just tell them i wanted to fillet myself. makes -0 sense. but i guess thats being a teenaged girl, i know nothing and i dont even know that, right?

i guess im done for now, there isnt a schedule i may post more than once a day or once every blue moon but i can tell you now that i feel like shit and have no appointments with my therapist till next month so if you enjoyed this in some weird way, theres a lot more coming and probably soon