word vom

3

I lost weight. when I got weighed at my psychiatrist appointment I saw different numbers. me being me, I looked them up. I lost two pounds. I gotta say, I was kinda happy. I'm not sure about why or if it's something to keep an eye on, but the weight loss wasn't intentional. I just can't eat. Ive barely been eating for months now. I can't chalk it up to anything other than my shit mental health, whether it be my anxiety, depression, or medication, I don't feel like eating.

my self care is shit. I'm sure I talked about being a nasty bitch before but let me tell you again. I wallow in a nasty state for days, no showering, brushing my teeth, washing my face, none of it. then I get on some kick, thinking I'm finally cured and I'll shower every night, wash my face every morning, brush me teeth, and do a whole skin care routine. I feel like my life is a pendulum. it's constantly swinging from one extreme to the next and it's so quick I can't really stop in the middle for too long.

it sucks because I'm going back to school soon and I can't be a disgusting shit when I see people everyday. I don't give a rats asshole about how I look, but I'd kill myself before I was the kid nobody wanted to sit next to because they smelled like BO.

I guess theres not much to update on, I think I covered it all. weight loss, school, self care. oh wait, there's something else.

I am a teenager, as ive said before. I have absolutely no problem with being told that I am just a kid and that I shouldn't worry about love and stuff, and for the most part I comply. I don't actively pursue anyone, sure I have crushes, but I don't really go after anyone. but it sucks, and I mean it SUCKS when all of your friends have had these boyfriends and flings and things and fun little stupid romances when the last time I kissed a boy I thought I did something wrong so I asked him to kiss me again.

I don't really care, so why do I care so damn much. I guess yeah I'm a girl and I want to know a guy can like me because she doesn't want to be liked by someone, but I really have no idea if anyone had ever really liked me. ive never been asked out, ive never gone to a school dance with a boy, and I sure as hell have never had a relationship that actually meant something like these other people seem to have.

I'm desperate for attention, I say it all the time. I do and say really awkward things and immediately regret them because that's just the person I am. honestly, I hate it. I hate that I can't be content in my own world, I hate that I can't just let people live their own lives without me popping in. I don't like to compete for attention so as soon as my friend had another friend, I feel abandoned.

maybe that's a whole other thing. I feel very abandoned after a while. I do reach out to the people I love, and when they don't answer, I make up excuses and I blame myself but I'm pretty sure that's not right. I know I should move on and that the obsession I have with my friends is unhealthy and strange, but it's true. I guess I make it out to be a but weirder than it really is, but the gist is there. I make a friend, I love them, I want their attention, if they leave me for someone else, I feel abandoned. even if it's for a week. just a week where they decide to hang out with a different friend or a week where they don't answer their phone, I can't get upset, I just blame myself and make things up in my head for why they don't want to talk.

it's like so nasty game I get sucked up in. ugh, I hate this, I hate talking about this because it makes me feel crazy and stupid and I don't want to be a snowflake. I don't want to think I'm special and the only one who feels like this, because I know I'm not. I hear it all the time, people constantly say "your not alone" but why the fuck do I feel like I'm doing this shit by myself? why are my friends off having sex and going on vacation with other people, why do they ignore me? why do they brush and sleep through calls and make up excuses. they can tell me to piss off, they can send a text to say they're too tired and they can tell me that they hate me if they want. but they don't they leave me in some shitty friend limbo where I'm constantly crying and fighting for the attention from someone who doesn't even want to be around me.

and is it wrong to feel like this is normal? does nobody else feel this way? does nobody else constantly feel second place, like they're getting replaced, like they're just a person to fall back on when the person you so desperately want to be near doesn't have anyone else to go to.

I haven't been a fucking first choice since the fucking second grade. I remember her, my best friend. we were inseparable. maybe I fucked up , maybe I'm stuck in second grade trying to find some inseparable friend that doesn't fucking exist. I don't know if it's insane for me to think that I could find someone like her now. I mean, all I want is someone who sees me as a first choice. the person to call to get coffee, the person to call when they want to go to the mall and watch a movie, the person to call when they wanna make pizza, get high, and fall asleep to a budget horror movie. I really fucking wish I could be a first choice because I have a shit ton of wasted potential when it comes to being a friend.

I'm so kind and thoughtful, and apparently narcissistic by the sound of it. but I really do give my all into friendships and ive been given no opportunity to give anything for a really fucking long time.

it's borderline infuriating. I feel insane talking about it. it's like I'm some obsessed psycho who wants the sole attention of someone. I feel like I let everything get out of control, the truth behind everything I just said is that I want a friend as loyal as me. someone who won't completely replace me when someone else comes along. I don't need the undivided attention of my friends, all I need is a little attention. but I literally get nothing, and I guess it got to me.