Just thoughts about the universe

Decisions

I like a boy.   And or a while he liked me back, my friends tried convincing me for the longest time that he liked me but I didn't believe  them.  Because why would a guy like that like someone like me?  I told myself that he didn't like me as anything more than a friend, if that.  I tried to convince myself that he didn't like me, because he couldn't; at that time I thought that it would never work out and I would never be able to date anyone in high school because of this friend I have.  This friend I have really liked me, dare to say he loved  me .  But I didn't love him back in the way he loved me, and i think that hurt him, he thought that there was something wrong with him and that's why i didn't like him as anything more than a friend.  But that wasn't it, one time on my life, in eighth grade I did like him as more than a friend.  So we "went out", he was my  "boyfriend" and he made me very happy.  But then we had an argument that ended our relationship and our friendship.  Then, later we became friends again just to fight and not talk to each other once more.   But now we are friends again and he still loves me like he did in eighth grade.  I've moved on, I am totally not the same person that I was then, I've grown.  

So I was scared  to like anyone and them like me back because I didn't want to hurt my friends feelings because i didn't have feelings for him like that.  My friends all thought that that reasoning was bonkers, I didn't, I thought it was logical because I care about my friend.  

I tried to not like this other boy, but I did and then he liked me back.  I never planned to like someone, but i did, I still do.  I was always a little hesitant around him especially when my friend was around, he didn't like him because I liked him.  This went on for a a few months and into summer.  MY "friend" was going through a lot and I was basically the only one there to listen, but after a while it go to be too much, even for me.  I realized i couldn't save him like I wanted to.  So I talked to a guidance counselor and got him help.  Let's just say my "friend" was pissed that I got him help that he needed.  That's when I started to realize he can't see clearly and that I haven't been living for myself and doing what i want to do.  So i went to homecoming with this boy that I liked.  I really wanted to go with him but in the back of my mind I thought of my "friend", so my original answer was no.  But i really wanted to go with him so I did because this as not up to my "friend", this is my life and i can do whatever the hack I want within reason.  My "friend" told me that I went with this other boy that he would do something to himself, I reported him.  I had a fun time at homecoming.  It was kind of like the first day of freedom, being my own person and living for me and not nobody else.