Cracks Within

Chapter 4

Monday 8th October 2040.

My thoughts are cut short by the rapping on the shower glass by Harvey. I pull myself out of my mind and look at the clock on our wall.

"Fuck!" I shout.

I jump out of the shower like a cheetah and forget all about Jon's letter. In twenty minutes I am dressed, made up and leaving the house. As I walk to my car, I plan the lectures for today in my head. I should have done it last night, but Sam wanted a Chinese and there was no way that I was going to turn that down. As I put the car in reverse, I realised that I had forgot Jon's letter. Swearing to myself, I put the car in neutral and ran back into the house, picking it up. Jumping into the driver's seat, I threw the letter on the top of my bag and pull out of our drive. It's a twenty-minute drive to the university where I work. I owe this university my career. I did my BA Honours in History, then my Masters, then I was hired as a lecturer. As a thank-you, I conducted my research here which gained me my PhD. I love my job. Teaching students who have the same passion for their subject as you do, makes life much easier. I arrive ten minutes early which gives me a chance to run and grab a hot chocolate before I start. It's characteristically chilly for an October day, so I'm in a blue hoodie with a pair of black jeans. Another plus of working in a university; no one cares what you wear. I walk to FP to find my students in similar wear to me. "Hi guys. How are we all after the weekend?" Grumbles answer me. "That good, then?" I reply. They laugh. "Okay guys, so after last week which was your welcome week, we will be starting on your first module: 'Early Modern England'. This is a vast module so we shall be delving into the periods 1300-1850. Obviously, this means that we won't be going into any specific detail for separate years, but the themes that we will be discussing spans the entire period. Today, we will be discussing society. Grab your notebooks and we will start by studying the presentation, and then we will be studying a coursework question. Don't worry guys." I quickly add. "Your coursework isn't due in until January but we can start getting a feel for what type of things you must add into it."

After the students left, I noticed Jon's letter, still unopened on my desk. I sit in my chair and carefully open it. Breathing heavily, I unfold the white piece of paper and start reading.

Dear Anna,

It must be strange receiving a letter from me after all these years. I wonder how you are constantly, and I've been too ashamed of myself to contact you. Until now.

Firstly, I want to tell you how sorry I am. I was a fool. I understand if this isn't enough, but you need to know that. I never realised that by hurting you, I would have impacted your life. I saw how scared you were after the incidents, and yet, I never stopped. I am so sorry.

I've been seeing an anger management specialist about how I've abused women. Especially you. We talked about why I felt the need to hurt you, why I felt the need to abuse and make you feel worthless.

There's so much more I could say, but it feels wrong to say it in a letter. I know I can't contact you (I know you don't want me too) so I hope this provides a little closure. Know this; I will never hurt you again. And I am paying for my mistakes. As I should.

I hope this relieves you of any stress I've caused you.

Hope you're well Anna,

Jon.

I put down the letter. My face relaxes. This is the first time that I've felt relieved without Marshall prompting me to be. Smiling, I put the letter back onto my bag and turn my attention to my computer. I check my emails. I sigh, deleting all the spam and irrelevant email that passes through my inbox daily. I lock my phone and start to organise my papers for the faculty meetings. A knock on the classroom door surprises me, and I jump a mile away from my desk.