Cracks Within

Chapter 11

Wednesday 8th May 2013.

I count the tiles on the waiting room ceiling. Two hundred and fifteen. A man's voice erupts from the ceiling. "Anna Delaney for Doctor Freter in Room Seven. Anna Delaney for Doctor Freter." I pick up my bag and walk down the clinical corridor, smelling disinfectant on the way down. I knock on the heavy oak door. A young woman answers.

"Hi, Anna. I'm Dr Freter. Come on in and lie down on the table at the back."

I move into her cubicle. Pictures of herself, her friends and her family are dotted around her computer. Two mismatched leather chairs are pushed against the back wall. A larger office chair is positioned by the computer. A plain white shower curtain divides the office in two. The other half has an examination table and a bunch of medical charts cover the back wall.

I lie on the table, nervously waiting for the doctor. After ten minutes, she bursts through the door. "I am so sorry, Anna. I had to run and get some more gel for this ultrasound. Are you ready?"

I nod, trying to keep the nauseous feeling at bay. "This will be cold." she warns me. She rubs gel over my stomach and starts to move the probe. "Hmm." she says, worriedly.

"What's wrong?" I say, failing to keep my nerves at bay.

"Your fallopian tubes are blocked completely. I'll do additional tests but I am positive that you are infertile."

My mind shuts down. Infertile, I think to myself. How? "What tests?"

"Well, I'll do a swab and a blood test, but this is pretty conclusive. I'm so sorry."

As I'm walking home, my mind travels to a thousand various places. I'm seventeen years old and infertile. I flex my hand, an old scar moving in unison with my little finger. I get home and throw my stuff on the bed, sitting on the edge. I'm stunned. I can't think, I can't cry, I can't get angry. My phone dings and I'm grateful for the distraction.

AMY: Call me. Now. I have news.

My eyebrows knit together. I press her name and click 'call'.

"Anna. Are you sitting down?"

I look at the phone with a suspicious look. "Yeah, why?"

"I'm sorry Anna."

"What, why? Amy, you're freaking me out."

She sighs. "Sam and Nina are engaged. She just messaged me asking me to come to their wedding. It's in five months. Apparently, she's eager to take his last name and to start a family. I'm gonna message him and ask him if he's ready, but I wanted to call you first."

I drop my phone in shock. I run to the toilet and vomit into the bowl.

I walk back into my room and pick the phone up from the floor. "Sorry. I can't believe it."

"I KNOW!" she shouts. "Meet me later, sevenish? We'll go get food and talk."

I make myself talk. "Yeah, sure. See you at town then."

"Bye."

I can't stop shaking. I only saw him last month. He never mentioned getting engaged. We barely talked but I thought he'd tell me something this important. I immediately open Facebook and see posts everywhere about their engagement. I check her profile. We're not friends on Facebook, but I can see what she posts as she's stupid enough to put everything on public.

Nina Rolands at 15:32: Me and Sam are engaged! Can't wait to get married in October! So excited!

Nina Rolands at 15:40: Thank you for everyone's kind messages and comments! It's gonna be amazing!

Nina Rolands at 15.45: Finally won the bet from 2010. LOL!

Nina Rolands at 15.53: Get prepared for this wedding to be the best thing any of you see!

Rage bubbles through my veins. She's rubbing it in my face, how dare she, I think to myself, angrily. Today, I found out that I can't have children and the person I loved is marrying the bitch who tried to kill me. I look at my phone. 4.15pm. "I have time." I think out loud. I grab my bag and my jacket and run out of the house. I catch the bus to South Gate Road. I run to number 165. Before I knock, I freeze. Can I really do this, I think. I knock on the door, praying for him to be alone.

Sam answers the door, a look of shock dominating his face. His mouth opens.

"Don't say my name. Don't say anything." I say to him. He closes his mouth, his eyes staring intently in mine. "I know you don't want to see me. Okay, I know. You never wanted me when you know I wanted you. And that's fine. I don't expect you to say anything or apologise. Okay?" Sam looks at me, and nods. "I love you, Sam. I love you so much it physically hurts me. Seeing you with her, loving her, treating her as well as you do; it kills me. I watched you for four years in school and I wished, god I wished, you would've left her. You didn't. God, I had the chance to fuck her up and I let her go! She nearly killed me and I just let her go because you love her. You picked the wrong girl. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for saying all this to you, but you did. I've loved you since the day I met you. From the moment, you looked at me in that dingy assembly hall, I have loved you. I've seen you grow into this amazing person and I wish I was at your side. She's not the one for you. I am. I know you won't leave her, I don't expect you too. And I know about your engagement." Sam steps forward and opens his mouth, his arm outstretched to my hand. I raise both hands together in a defensive position. "No. Don't. I'm happy for you. Truly. At least one of us is happy. I don't expect an invite. I don't expect you to talk to me again, especially now. Please know that I am so in love with you and I want what's best for you. I know I have to let you go, I know that. And I will." Tears start to fall from my eyes. "Goodbye, Sam Mason."

I turn and run away.

I get on the first bus I can. I collapse in my seat, gazing out the window. I rub my eyes, trying to stop the tears from falling. My phone continuously vibrates in my bag. I nearly answer until I see it's Sam trying to call me. I press 'ignore' and throw it back into my bag. I look at my reflection in the window. I rip myself away, horrified that I'm the same person that didn't fight harder for him.

I get off at the end of my street. Out of nowhere, Lee pops up. He was a guy that I met at a party. His straight nose made his face look like something out of a magazine. His pale skin was the colour of a white rose and his chocolate brown eyes were intimidating.

"Hey." he says, grinning.

"Hi." I carry on walking.

"What's up with you?" he asks, stopping in front of me.

I look up at him. "Nothing." I take some pills out of my bag and wash them down with energy drink. Lee stares at me. "What?"

He shrugs. "Fine, sorry I asked. I think we should kiss again and well, you know." He winks.

"Oh, hahaha." I sarcastically laugh, crossing my arms as I do. "It happened once, by accident. Not again."

"You want me," he says circling me like a vulture. "And you know I want you. Let's have some fun!"

I scowl. "Absolutely not. It was a one off. Anyway, part of me thinks you're not that into me. Or girls, you know."

"Totally. You like it though." He licks his lip, sticking his tongue out at me after.

"Whatever." I start to walk off when he pushed me up against a wall.

"Hey!" I shout.

"That night, you loved this." He kissed my neck and then my lips. "Lighten up Anna, it's not like you have anyone who loves you in that way."

I start to argue, but I stop midway. Lee had a point. "Fine. Let's have fun.