So This Might Be A Book

On Procrastination

Procrastinate - to put off until another day or time.

Currently I am doing this. Well yes I am writing but I meant procrastinating because if I wrote about writing this would be a lot longer and filled with possibly too much self deprecating humor. Rest assured this chapter shall have that as well. Now, what exactly makes someone a procrastinator?

Assume you or the imaginary friend you haven't told your wife about is sitting in the office. He maybe has his cup of coffee with the little cat face that appears after he drinks a certain amount. Which is adorable and I want to cuddle a small kitten now. Anyway this man also has some papers scattered about his desk, maybe a stapler that he never really uses because everything is digital now but keeping up appearances and convincing your coworkers that you are in a productive workspace is essential for an office cubicle.

Now of course your imaginary friend does get some work done or else he would be fired, but he doesn't get it done very quickly. He does meet deadlines because he still has a job and isn't outside the building screaming that gay robot zombie nazi's are controlling the government. If you were to glance at his computer that hasn't been replaced since Seinfeld had it's series finale, you would see a blank word document. You would also see a man with a patchy beard that he is still not sure if he should grow out since he isn't entirely certain he can pull off a Hugh Jackman beard. Now the beard has no real significance other than I am faced with this same problem only I have blonde hair so this beard might not be the luscious flowing mane of my fantasies.

Beards aside, he has two tabs other than the still blank document. He turns around to make sure you aren't the boss he has dreamed of shoving out of the seventh story window since day three on the job. When he is thoroughly convinced you indeed are not the offspring of Satan and Oprah he turns back to his desk and clicks onto another tab. He gasps in mock surprise that a large breasted female along with a Samuel L. Jackson look alike are fornicating in an office building that could be confused for this one. After he turns back to you and winks very creepily he opens the other tab and scrolls through his Facebook news feed. He ignores the message that pops up from his cousin with three children, a snaggletooth and a divorce being processed so that his wife takes the tractor he holds so dear.

After this family injustice he opens FarmVille and because I know nothing about FarmVille, other than the fact that it sounds insanely boring, the scenario ends here.

You can thank God, Allah, or Katy Perry because that scenario was getting too long even for me. Now what was the lesson we learned? Well other than never have a porn tab open at work, it's that people are capable of wasting a lot of time. How else would Candy Crush be so popular?

I am trying to advise the two of you who happen to read this not to procrastinate. The truth is though I have no real idea as to how not to. I have done it on everything since a third grade book report on the Magic School Bus in the Desert. I got it done on the last night. I have always managed to pull off something half assed at the last minute because I do crave the not knowing for sure I'll get it done. It does sound idiotic, but painfully honest. Now for my little soapbox moment.

Do not procrastinate. I'm allowed to because I'm a hypocrite. Hypocrisy is a lot more common than people believe. I think I just found my presidency campaign slogan for 2036. Regardless of my unrealistic ambitions to control first America then the world, I know this advice will probably not effect me. Do not waste time if you have something that needs to be done. FarmVille can wait.

Again thanks to anyone who read this far down. You have probably wasted time reading this in which case if there is something you need to do, do it and do it now.