So This Might Be A Book

On Rain

Today I walked in the rain. Not that this really matters to anybody except me but I'm going to write about it because I'm so narcissistic I think everybody cares.

I hate to swim, I really do, I am an anchor. So I avoid water as much as possible, today though my street flooded and the water came up to my knees. Which is a lovely feeling, to have to basically do leg lifts for every step you take. Every time my foot plunged into the surface again it wasn't a simple ripple, no, water flew away from my descending Converse.

I had to do this once before on Friday and each time it happened I had some odd moments of realization.

Most of which involve me, or more how little I matter. There are over 7 billion people on the planet and chances are I haven't even walked past 1% of the population. It occurred to me that all the time I spent feeling sorry for myself wouldn't magically make somebody care. Life just doesn't work that way.

Chances are that I matter honestly to ten people or less. Probably less.

The rain comes cascading down and it doesn't stop to make me feel a little better and the world doesn't either and it shouldn't.

A friend of mine I used to be very close to would always tell me to suck it up at least once a day. She was right though. It doesn't matter how much pain I or anyone else is in.

I might die right now, I might have a really bad day and just decide maybe this isn't worth it. That doesn't affect the world though. The truth is though there is always going to be rain, falling all over you. In actuality though it's no big deal.

Most things in life aren't actually. I'm not as close to any of the people I was close to last year, I have hurt a lot of people, I cry almost daily and consider suicide. The fact is though that it doesn't matter. If I were to die a fraction of a percent of the population would be sad for a while and then go back to life. Because humans heal, I'm really glad about that. I often think of myself as a subway, with people getting on when I'm needed and then getting off when I'm not and I think that's a pretty accurate way to look at it. Everybody has a stop where it is just them to do what they want. But where is mine? I think it's in the rain. Not in the sun, where everything is easy and just works out. The truth is that doesn't exist, and if it does I don't want it. I want to actually do something for myself. Something that I don't do because someone asked or because I know it's what someone wants, but because it's something I feel like doing. As I was walking today I laughed, mostly at myself but also at the world. How mundane and idiotic most of my life will be. All the stupid things I do because I want attention. All the things I do that don't really matter. I have people that I care about, quite a few actually. I wear them everyday, I have the stamp of my employer as a demonic servant on my phone, I have some scars on my arm from my Mexican brother, some manga I carry for my apprentice in stupidity, microscopic particles of a Puerto Rican I hug constantly because I miss talking to her, and when I get back home and dry off there's a paper robot staring at me from my girlfriend. I carry their imprints on my life constantly, and chances are after we graduate I'll never see them again. I used to have a route everyday of walking people home and then myself. It would sometimes be near sunset when I got done and I miss that. I don't have those jobs anymore though, and next year they might be different again, all I know is that the world keeps spinning regardless. Without them I'll keep living. It would be a lot easier to just leave them and I'd probably be a lot drier if I just swallowed a handful of pills and hopefully didn't wake up. That being said I want to live. Not because it matters to anyone else, but because I have to do something or else living is pointless. So I want it to keep raining, for it to pour would be better, either way I still have a long way to walk.