Death and Other Fun Stuff (#Wattys2015)

The Summer of Waiting

I know you're out there but

I don't know what's going on.

Do you know that I sit in the pounding sun

and thick, crushing humidity

and wait

for someone who vacationed so quick and carelessly?

But naivete long ago put my life at your unreliable mercy.

All I know is the wait

and the seconds turn to minutes

and those turn to hours

and the days blend and smash and melt together.

What's going on in your summer?

I know you're out there but

the world is clinging to your return.

My mind is daring to venture to those bad places

you aren't here to save me

but you couldn't and you wouldn't anyway.

I don't need you

I don't want you

but you own my life because I let you

and who knows how to reclaim it? Not me.

You might understand if you felt this mundane,

lonely,

hot,

empty

summer of suffering.

The way my mind spirals through an abyss of insanity like

the merciless, blinding sun haunting the sky

or hawks circling their prey so mockingly

or the seasons that have lost meaning now.

I know you're out there but

you pushed me and pulled me and I'm dizzy now.

I'm slapped and stung but I cling so tightly.

Am I just burning in blazing sunlight and revelling in nothing

while you forget our mess and cheat and lie?

Meanwhile the rage and defiance are rising up.

Have you realized how dead we are?

No, no, you didn't

you believed we were perfect

but you did this anyway.

I'm tired now

and I think I want my summer back.