Introducing Me (Left)

Rant

Possible Trigger Warning

My entire life people have told me I'm capable of doing shit but you know what? So is everyone else. I know I'm wasting my life or whatever but you know I don't care. I'm so sick of having to be in education for like what, 13 odd years. What's the point?

So headaches, been looking for over a year now, how to like get rid of them. Apparently they're from anxiety so I'm waiting for a therapist or counsellor again. I tried to kill myself in January and got a counsellor two months later which got cancelled. Mum put in an official complaint and I was supposed to meet with a doctor about medication. He kept talking about mindfulness and Buddhism and how only 1 in 5 counsellors would actually help me. Do you know what that means? They hang me out to dry on my own, I'm not their problem anymore. This is the supposed to be the mental health support system.

Yesterday I had another doctors appointment about my headaches and she just spent 40 minutes telling me how I should do some writing, drawing something creative. Well that obviously isn't working as all I'm doing is portraying my feelings into my writing, it's how I get to where I get. I don't plan my stories, I see where they lead me. I'm just sick of trying when I get no where. What's the point? I'm trying to do everything people want of me and expect of me but it's hard. Being told my entire life I'm smart so I didn't get any help and I don't know how to ask for it. If maybe one person actually helped me when I was younger maybe I wouldn't be in the mess I am now. It's hard to trust people when you've felt so alone your entire life and no adults were there to help you. Being a scared little kid, scared to cry in case my father,
"Gave me something to cry about."
Now I just can't cry. I've cried 3 times this year because I've been taught to keep it in.

It easy for teachers and adults around me to say I need to try harder but you know what I can't. I didn't have to of turned into this but no one stopped it. Now I hear his voice and freeze. My heart starts racing and I hope to dear god he's not actually there. Seeing him in town once, months ago, I can't forget what he looked like. He didn't even see me but I froze and grabbed my twin's arm without even realising what I was doing. When he drove by the school to the office, I left everything and ran faster over to the office than I've ever run before. We were trying to track him down, to serve him a non-molestation order. Thanks to us knowing what the car looked like we got him served. I felt kind of safe, briefly.

It ran out on Father's Day. I stayed up into the early morning just sobbing. I was terrified and I talked to my ex a bit. She had seen me the year my depression kind of reared it's ugly head. She had seen what he was like. One time I was helping her with maths over Skype and he came in and yelled at me, while she was still there, because he'd misheard me. I was just trying to help her with two maths questions. I had never felt more embarrassed and scared because she saw me weak, she saw me as someone other than who I was at school. So I texted her a little bit and she kind of helped. The next day I didn't want to be home. If he could come to the house now, what was stopping him? I spend the day hanging out with someone I'm only kind of friends with and took two hours to ride home. I kept the rape alarm the police had given me tightly in my hand, always checking over my shoulder.

We eventually managed to get another an occupancy order for the house so he couldn't come here but that was it. The day after my birthday he drove up and cornered my older brother. I just walked away, kept walking. Before he'd had a distinctive car but now he'd gotten a new one. Every single time I go out to walk the dogs or whatever I'm terrified that I'm going to see him. I'm just on edge when a car drives past me. Answer me a question. If you claim to love two of your kids that's you haven't seen in like a year, would you write exactly the same message in both of their birthday cards? It's stupid really to be petty about something so small but when we've been paired together or pitted against each other your entire life, he should by now that you want more than anything to be considered your own person. I didn't read it, just ripped it up. My brother was the one that figured out they were the same.

Now if I come to more recent events. He got our phone numbers somehow, I already showed the text. I never responded. I come across the message sometimes and you know what? I feel bad for him. I'm forever trying to make excuses for him or taking the blame because that's what I've been taught to do. I even still find myself trying to live up to his ideas of me being perfect. Oh I didn't mention how he knows my attendance is so low.

So he's technically got parental rights, right? He can call the school and get all of my records. They know what's going on and you would've thought they'd know better than to do something like that, right? Apparently not. What makes it worse is my father had a copy of these records on one of the court dates and my mother didn't. The school basically blamed it on me and Mitch because we should've been in school to collect them. So they can mail mock tests and homework home but not records? I've just sick of everything that's going on. I hate it.

My teachers and classmates and family and whoever else can judge me for my low attendance and whatever but until they have somewhere that's supposed to be a safe space like a school ruined by an abusive parent they can fuck off. It didn't have to get to this. If we had money, that my father took basically all of from all of the accounts, the legal battle may have been over by now but we don't. He emptied all of the accounts so my mother would have to like beg him for money. She didn't. Instead she doesn't have the money to pay for a lawyer. He wants the house too, he doesn't seem to care about us, which is fine with me, but more than anything he wants the house.

I still have to tell myself sometimes that I'm not doing the wrong thing. That I didn't deserve to be hit as a kid, that I didn't deserve to feel him spit on my face while yelling at me, to teach myself not to cry when he yelled at me, that I didn't deserve to be yelled at in the supermarkets for accidentally hitting him with the trolley once (thank you to that one woman in ASDA who told him to stop that one time, you're my absolute hero), that's it's not me, it's him. It's easy to see when I look back on it like this but what some people don't understand is that it wasn't all bad and he won't show that side of him to others. It hard not to feel guilty when my friends ask about him. They didn't know that side of him, he was a gentleman to them and made them laugh. I did have some good times with him, I can usually find a lot of fear surrounding them but they're there. So I feel like I'm in the wrong yet again.

So next time someone asks me why I don't want to go to school I'll tell them, probably not but maybe I'll mention it in the bbc young reporter article I'm going to do.
"School is no longer my safe place because they continue to involve the abusive father they know my family has no wish to involved and their mental health lead directly told me, 'other people have it worse and they still come in.' That coming from the best school in Portsmouth."

This wasn't exactly what I was planning to write but it happened. Don't worry the next one will be a hell of a lot funnier. We've had our nephew staying with us for a week and he's 8 so keeps accidentally making dirty jokes. The header is a picture of mum and I messing around with snapchat filters at the hospital yesterday. Hope you have a great day and more y'all.