NoCo Angst TDI

Lost Motivation

(tw: Alcohol mention throughout the chapter. Also just a shit ton of self hatred. Skip if you need to please.)

The next morning Noah woke up before Cody, which wasn't surprising. They both fell asleep on the couch, and the position they naturally fell into was Cody lying on top of Noah. Well shit. He felt his face go red as Cody gently stayed asleep on top of his chest. He couldn't have him waking up and seeing them in this position. Besides, Noah wasn't exactly sure how much of last nights events Cody actually would remember. Luckily for him, Noah knew Cody was a deep sleeper. Ever so slowly, Noah managed to somehow escape from underneath him. He got up and went to go get dressed and cleaned up, letting Cody sleep in for most of the morning. 

It was past 10:30 in the morning and Cody woke up with a loud groan. His head was pounding with unbearable pain. He placed one of his hands onto his forehead and shut his eyes again. 

"So you're awake. Feeling pretty good, aren't you?" Noah inquired with snark as he walked over to the couch. 

"Ghhn. No, not really." He responded with while opening only one of his eyes. He then tried to shift the  conversation topic. "Don't worry about it. How was last night?"

"Seriously?" Noah lifted an eyebrow at him. "How about you tell me."

"... ... ...... Oh my god."

"Starting to remember now?"

"Ghhhhhhgh I'm so sorry..."  He covered up his flustered face.

"You should be--"

"--For dumping my drunk ass self on you like that." Cody said at the same time as Noah.

"--For turning to alcohol instead of help like that." Noah said at the same time as Cody. 

"Wh...What?" Cody asked.

"I don't mind helping you out when you need it y'know. I'd actually rather to then you having to deal with that shit alone. And by shit I mean either when you're hurting or when you're drunk off your ass. What if something bad happened to you and nobody else was around?" 

"Oh... I didn't think about that or that... you even cared." 

"Don't be stupid. You know I care about you." 

"...I care about you too." Cody slowly responded while starting to rub his head. It, along with his stomach, weren't doing so well. He let out another groan in response to the aches. He was really regretting everything now as even more of his memories were coming back to him. God damn did he really have to cry like that in front of Noah. In a way it almost felt nice to have gotten it out of his system, but it was also so damn pitiful. 

"Listen Noah, about my whole pity party... Seriously don't worry about it. I'm not that upset with things." 

"Mhm. It's funny how alcohol makes a person more honest, isn't it?"

"Gh. Okay yes, I've had stuff on my mind but I made it out way worse than it actually is."

"You're not a failure, Cody. You still have a whole life ahead of you to get stuff sorted out."

"That's... nice to hear. Thank you." He paused as his headache grew extremely painful for a few seconds, causing him to lose concentration. "...Hey. You should take your own advice. You're always complaining here and there about your job. You could totally get a better one! You were always one of the smartest kids at our school. How could you of all people be stuck with such a crappy job-- go out and get one you actually deserve." Cody smiled at him, which in response Noah gave a sad smile. 

"Well, I've learned something a while ago. It doesn't matter how smart you are, the second you lose motivation you lose everything." His last few words became more quietly mumbled, he almost seemed shameful to say it. 

"Lost motivation?"

"Yeah. It was around high school when I did. I may be smart but I didn't have the care to try hard. And in all honesty, I still don't. I just don't put in the effort and I hate myself for that." He accidentally slipped that last part out. But it was true. 

"Why did you? Was there a reason?"

"I dunno, I guess. It's dumb and even cliche-ish but that's just reality for you. My parents had gotten divorced around that time and it was just enough to tip the iceberg. I was the only kid out of nine left in the house, due to me being the youngest. My siblings had all moved out so I had to deal with that stuff all alone. My depression made me not give a shit about anything anymore. My health dropped, my happiness dropped, and yeah, my grades dropped. I was the smartest kid they had, the one they had the most faith in, and I lost it all. My parents were too focused on hating one another to notice how bad mentally I was doing. My depressed ass fucked up my whole life."

"Noah... I had no idea. I'm sorry."

"No no don't be. I didn't want people to know me as the depressed lonely guy, so I didn't tell anyone. I didn't want their pity. I don't want your pity either. I just wanted you to know why I am where I am now, and not some place better."

"...Thank you for telling me." Cody did feel happier that Noah was starting to open up to him more. It was only fair for him to do the same. They sat there silently for a few seconds until Cody spoke up again. "The night I get kicked out was for three main reasons. The overall big one was because I didn't have a good enough job for them. I didn't have my own house, I didn't have enough money. So yeah, when I said I was a failure it's because that's what I've been told. It's always what I've been told, that I was ever good enough. After a while you just don't think you'll ever be seen as something aside from a failure. So I gave up too, I guess. But the final straw was that my parents caught me just like you did last night. I picked up the dumb habit of drinking instead of dealing with stuff due to parties. Yeah, the scrawny kid would do anything to fit in huh? Hah ah  a... They were so upset to find out their son was not only a failure, but a drunk as well."

"You... don't drink that often do you?" Noah said with concern.

"No! I don't, I swear. I'm not an actual drunk... but I always end up overdoing it the few times I do drink, when I tell myself not to." 

"Okay we'll have to work on that. I don't want it getting any worse... And didn't you say there were three reasons? What was the last one?"

"Oh. I came out to them as bi the week before I got booted."

"Ah." He paused. "WaIT Y--You what? You're what?"

"I'm bisexual? You didn't know that?"

"No I didn't know that how would I know that you never told me--"

"You never told me you were gay!"

". . . Well gee. How'd you figure that out?" He placed a hand on his hip. 

"I mean... I'm not saying the sweater vest or how you talk...or how you act... made me figure it out but...I just kinda--" 

"Sarcasm Cody. I was being sarcastic. I know it's kinda obvious."

"OHhh. Oh. Gotcha."

"Mhm. ... Wait. They kicked you out for being bi?"

"Gh. Yeah it was part of it. They're not the most accepting parents I guess."

"Wow so they're even bigger assholes than I had originally thought then." 

Cody simply nodded in response and looked to the side with a look of hurt across his face. A look of emotional hurt, that quickly turned to physical pain as he threw a hand back up to his head. Noah stood up and walked over to the kitchen, returning after not too long with a few things in hand. He placed on the table next to the couch some water, aspirin, and toast. Cody immediately reached for the aspirin which Noah quickly whacked his hand away in response. 

"Don't take the medicine on an empty stomach. Eat first." 

"...Thanks Noah." Cody smiled softly at him as he grabbed the toast. Noah crossed his arms but still smiled back.

"Whatever."