Reincarnation. Book 1.

Part 1. The past where all began.

I wasn't always heartless. I wasn't always cold, cruel and calculating. At one point in time, I was one of the most warm-hearted, caring, loving people you could meet. I was always open to new people, very kind and welcoming but that all changed after I was broken. I got hurt and shattered beyond the point of repair, to save myself, I killed my mind. I killed all of the qualities people loved about me because I thought they were my weaknesses. I became unrecognizable. My heart wasn't open to being broken again, so I got rid of the girl I had been.

If you're always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be.

About 10 years ago, at age of 16, in Põltsamaa, it was my first year of freshman and I moved in with my girlfriend who was seeing this guy, I disliked the moment I saw him, something about him was obnoxious. He was one of her new playtoys and she invited him to live with us, but I knew it wouldn't last long. He was a low-life mama's boy, who didn't have a job or any other income, or life for that matter. He just sat all day on a couch and did nothing while his girlfriend took care of him. He was a couch decoration, not a pretty one to look at. I was in college, so my mom paid my bills, but he only told stories about money which no one saw. So it lasted short and he was out of our apartment in no time, but so was I. Because I was done being in the middle of her dramas. She traded her men quicker than I changed my socks.

About a year later in summer 2010 Pärnu, I saw Marc again at a party. And somehow he was in my life. We started off as friends, I still didn't see him as a man I wanted to be with. For me, it was funny, that my ex-girlfriend's ex-boyfriend wants me. That time was the stupidest time in my life. I just turned 18, started partying in clubs and getting out there. I've never been the beautiful one but when 6 different persons wanted to date me at the same time, my nonexistent ego took over. I was overwhelmed and idiot. So I asked my friend to come over, to help me choose which one. Her idea was to write all the names down and put them in a basket and whoever I pick, has to be the one I'm gonna say yes. "Lucky me", the chosen one was Marc. For me it was fun but it changed quickly.

Our relationship was based on alcohol, I visited him a lot and parties were normal at that age. He was a year older than me. My school was getting worse until I left school and moved across the country to Pärnu in 2010 October. After being together only three months, I ended up pregnant and by that time I thought I was so in love with him and he convinced me that he loved me and the baby will be our salvation. Oh, how I wish I was smarter back then. But I wasn't and I trusted him, blindly. So we kept the baby. My mom fought hard to convince me not to have this child. Tried to put common-sense into my head. Instead of listening to her, I lied and told her that there was nothing to do, it was too late. The truth was, I was nearly 3 weeks. She still hasn't forgotten that Christmas present from me.

Pregnancy time, the party never ended. Our home became a happy hour 24/7. We had no money, but there was always alcohol. In a two-bedroom apartment, where also lived his mother, his sister with her husband and a child plus us. I think I saw more people in those 9 months then a New Year's Eve party. I can't remember a day when I saw Marc completely sober for a full day. For me, it was a hard time, we had more alcohol than food. Nobody saw the serious problem of me being pregnant and hungry, and if I said something, I was shut down.

At the beginning of 2011, new people moved into our neighborhood. A young family with a baby boy and two guys. The drinking got worse, the family man Myles joined us and brought even more people, so did the two guys, Timothy and Richard, they had their own parties and own people. It was complete chaos.

With the new people, Marc rejected me more and more, he barely paid any attention to me. I was lonely, Marc didn't want to spend time with me. He left me alone. Richard was a clubber and he dragged others with him, it came an every night tradition. We are young, they say. Often I found myself wandering around the city but so did Jane, Myles's wife and that's when I became close with her. I opened up about the food and our sad relationship, I felt a little ease having her behind my back, supporting me. She made sure I was full but what I didn't know at the time, her husband was beating her every time he was drunk and one day I walked in on them.