Reincarnation. Book 1.

Part 7. Forsaken.

Throw me into the pit of fire. Am I the one that you desire? Let me set your soul ablaze. Have your mind in one big haze. Torn between two worlds. Loving me you can barely breathe. Hating me doesn't come with ease. Am I an angel forsaken in hell? Or am I a demon raging in heaven? A succubus created to drain your life force with just one kiss? Or one of the fallen seeking love and passion? Mysterious in my own ways. Oh, I have to be, alas, because no one stays. Are you willing to risk it, to have your fate sealed with one final embrace?

The first course was a success, I proved everyone I have what takes to pull this off, I finished it with A's and B's, plus one C. The guys looked up to me, like a role model, if I can do it, so can they. Even the class "leader" approach me and asked for help. That put me in a position to work harder, to earn that place in their eyes. In the second course, unfortunately, the class "leader" was expelled, everybody tried to help him, but he simply didn't try enough.

In October the teacher announced that with car technician speciality, a driver license is required at the end of school for the exams. For me, it was a big problem because I didn't want a driver licence, the fear of driving was justified. My boyfriend didn't believe me or our friends, so they took me to a test drive. My hands were shaking badly as soon as I sat down in the driver seat. Tears following by. It took less than 10 minutes before I threw up and felt sick all night after. I couldn't do it. It was a painful experience what brought painful memories.

At the end of September, I also resigned from the supermarket, it was too much. My body and mind were physically, and mentally dead. Applied for a new job in a hotel bar. Things got a little bit easier, but soon they offered me a position I couldn't refuse. I got a promotion, as a manager which brought more obligation, organizing big group events, up to 800 people. Workers, settlements, food, arrangements etc. We had days when there were four different events on the same night but I loved it. I was involved more in school but always working and planning at the same time. A lot of sleepless nights.

In December, the apartment we lived in, Papik threw us out before Christmas because he wanted to sell it. My daughter stayed with my friend and we were living in a garage for two weeks. It was devastating and the most amazing time in our lives. During the 5 years, we were together, those two weeks were the most beautiful and solid we had. We had each other's backs and pulled through it and in January we found a new place. It was small but we didn't care about that.

Things got complicated in school because I was constantly fighting and yelling with my driving instructor. He kept pushing me and couldn't understand why I was afraid to go to the city.
"You're ready, let's go, you can't drive here forever. The exams are coming. Who needs the licence me or you? " he said and I lashed out him.
"I never said I wanted them. I never needed them. I can't do it, okay? I can't... it's just too painful." I stepped out of the car, the instructor followed me. I couldn't hold the pain, it was killing me inside. I had to tell him the reason.

12 years ago, 23 November 2006. Unforgettable day. Four people, two sisters age 14 and 19 and two brothers age 17 and 21. They celebrated the older brother's Kenneth's birthday, and the party took place in another city, 102 miles away from home, in Tartu. The night was amazing, they were laughing, enjoying, drinking, a night full of life. The plan was to stay in a local hotel and leave in the morning when they are sober but the birthday boy wanted to go home. Something was wrong with him, begging that they could go home, but nobody was sober, except for the 14-year-old girl who was "sober enough" to drive.

So they hit the road, driving only 40 miles per hour. The birthday boy was sitting behind the driver, driver's sister Helen, next to him and his brother Maxim, next to the driver. Backseat people were passed out and sleeping, the girl and Maxim were talking, so the driver won't fall asleep. It was late, around 4 am in the morning, dark outside, a few cars passing by. The ride went smoothly and quiet. Listening to Three Days Grace. The girl noticed a car following them for a while, she remained calm and kept driving. Heart stepping up the beat, she was reaching her phone on the armature, when the car behind them turned on the sirens but before she could stop or even react, they were hit from the right side of the road.

The car tossed around three times until it hit the tree bushes. The girl woke up facing the steering wheel, head pounding. Screaming in pain, crying hysterically. Her right hand stuck between the steering wheel. She didn't think of the consequences as she pulled it out, results of dislocating her shoulder. She didn't care, her family was everything to her. Trying to wake them to gain conscious and get them out of the car. She looked at Kenneth, who was sitting behind her, a tree branch through his neck, dead. Her sister crushed between the car seat and the door, dead. Maxim next to her, looking back, eyes barely open, telling her to save herself, to run.

She couldn't move, she kept trying to unbuckle his seatbelt, it was stuck. Then she noticed the smoke from the car engine, she still didn't move. She didn't want to be left alone, she was ready to die with them but she kept trying and crying, begging that the seatbelt would open. What she didn't know that even if she would have managed to get the seatbelt open, Maxim's legs were crushed under. She heard yelling and screams outside the car, but she wasn't paying attention until somebody grabbed her and dragged out of the car. She screamed, kept kicking and yelling to get loose, to get back to the car. But it was too late, as soon as she got free, the car exploded.

She woke up the next day, doctors telling her that she was the only survivor besides the truck driver who hit them. Her sister and her friends were dead. Her family, dead. The drunk truck drivers pregnant wife, dead. Based on her injuries, which was only a broken nose, head concussion and dislocated shoulder. The trial took place on November 26th, three days later since her world collapsed. She pleaded guilty and got 6 years probation. The truck driver did not and got 30 years to life. The guy who pulled her out was a cop who was driving behind them. He wanted to stop her because she was driving too slow and he was concerned that she might have been tired and fall asleep. Thanks to his statement, she walked out free.

In the eyes of the law, she wasn't guilty but in her mind, she killed them. Her parents put her in a mental hospital for a year, she couldn't cope, she couldn't understand why she survived, she wanted to die. When a girl goes through a trauma, a situation where her body, her mind, her self-was not her own it can destroy you. Where she feels disjointed, ripped from her self, safety and sanity. A moment, an experience, somewhere her trust was smashed, her lust for life... vanished and all that's left is hurt. Sweet graving agony.

This is my confession. Darkness is my obsession. It wasn't pills that help me get out of my nightmare, it wasn't the psychiatrist talk that made me move on. It was me, who learned how to put on a mask and act perfectly. But in reality, late at night, my ears begin to deafen. All I can hear are the demons in my mind, "talk to me, tell me a story." The story of the girl so broken, so damaged, nobody chose to believe in her. How she was tormented and hurt by the ones she loved. Betrayed, let down. Forgotten, locked up, so to the world she didn't exist. They ousted her and was never missed, she could have been buried underground, without anybody notice. How her demons never left, built her up, made her feel worthy. Tell me the story because the girl in the story was me.