Reincarnation. Book 1.

Part 9. Hope

Have you ever felt so desolate before? Like nobody cares for you anymore. Like your the odd one out. Like you feel like crying, but you don't want people to see how weak you are. You want to scream, but nobody hears? So you just sit there, silent because no one is gonna help.

No words, no sound came out of me. I just looked at him. The rage that was in his eyes. I felt the hate. I was nothing to him. He put his clothes on and went outside. I ran to my daughter, picked her up and calmed her down. I can only imagine what she felt right now. Little girl age five, standing on the bedroom door, watching her daddy shouting, attacking and ending up hitting her mom. As a kid, I saw my mom and stepdad fighting all the time. Every time it went physical. How many times I saw my mother cry, tried to put herself back together. The way that man treated me. Like I was a trash, a nobody. Made a promise that I will never have kids. I will never let my child see this. Feel what I felt. As all of this was my fault because I dared to exist. I'm sorry. I failed. Hushed my daughter back to sleep, held her close and begged forgiveness for what she just witnessed. When I finally got her back to sleep, I cried, hysterically. I couldn't calm down, couldn't cope and simply let it all out. Never have I felt so much fear, in my life. Physically and mentally. I didn't know how long was Anders outside, but I cried myself to sleep.

"Get the fuck up!" Heard shouting while feeling the shook on my body. Slowly opened my eyes in fear, terrified. Scared of the man I was living with.
"Kitchen, now!" My eyes swollen and red. Shaking so badly, a million thoughts ran through my mind what could happen next. Michael and his wife were here too. As they started accusing, questioning, attacking me with all those things, all I can think about was...

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to have an attorney. If you cannot afford one, one will be appointed to you by the court. With these rights in mind, are you still willing to talk with me about the charges against you?

NO! I don't want anything to do with you. I was in shock. All I could do was listen. Not one word came out of me. Michael didn't say anything. He just looked down. I stayed loyal, didn't betray him and he doesn't say one word to defend me? It was me against the court. No attorney. No chance to prove that I'm innocent. They didn't believe me. I was guilty of charges. Finally, the jury made a decision - no talking to anyone besides customers, no going out. No social life. Only work and home. Everything I do, have to report back to him. And if I don't agree, my daughter and I will be evicted from our own home. I got probation for an unknown time.

I lived in my own hell. Tortured and tormented soul. My soul, so ancient, it is filled with battle scars and the pain comes and goes. How I survive, nobody will ever know. Fractured figments of my imagination, constantly scratching at the surface of reality. Is this what I have become. So lost. So unaware of the poisonous glances and devious stares. Pick my life apart. It is, after all, my best work of art. From a distance it's so beautiful, it looks perfect, untouched, unspoiled, but up close it's one huge mess, I wish I was invisible, unnoticed, alone. So maybe, I could suffer through this chaotic insanity in silence.

I was a dog on a leash. Chained inside my own house. School, work and home. The people who I worked with, they had no clue what was really going on. Same goes to school. I was heading to a really dark place. Nobody knew how much I was crying for help. No one noticed. No motivation. Trapped. I was back at the point where I hated myself. My daughter suffered the most. I didn't feel, that she was safe with me. I kept telling myself "Hel' she is better off without you" and I truly believed it. He destroyed my confidence, my self-esteem, my dignity, every good thing that was in me. One thing he didn't take away from me. Whiskey, Jack Daniels became my new best friend and to be honest, it helped me a lot through the times when Anders was yelling or attacking me. It became almost like a tradition, every day he had something to say, something to make me feel like shit. I separated home from the rest of the world. Two completely different personas. My only freedom was cars, working on them made me feel better.