Reincarnation. Book 1.

Part 2. Change.

Why women don't leave the abuser? They stay because the fear of leaving is greater than the fear of staying. They will leave when the fear of staying is greater than the fear of leaving.

Baby's first month, there was a lot of sleepless nights, and not because of her, it was mostly fear. Every small sound, I was wide awake. I feared Marc and what he could to her, me or himself because often when we had an argument, the fight ended with him crying or he would put a knife or whatever sharp thing he found, in his veins or throat and said he will end him if I leave him.

The last straw in that apartment was when someone came behind the door in the middle of the night, slamming, punching the door and windows, trying to get in. I have never seen Marc more scared than I saw that night, he wasn't a small guy but I understood this, he can't protect us. He had enemies I did not know about. I told my mom about the fear and we moved with them for a month.

The baby's second month, we moved in with my parents. I was exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally and Marc was no help. My mom was there for me. She taught me things, how and when. Marc didn't want any part of this, simply played on his Xbox. When it was time to give my daughter a name, Marc wasn't there. The only time when work was more important to him than our daughter. She had only my name. She still does. Thinking back, it was the only good thing he ever did for that little girl.

When we went back to Pärnu. My life became a charade between me, Marc and Timothy, we became inseparable. We did everything together. Our daughter was constantly with Marc's sister because of my work and the alcohol didn't disappear, now I came apart of it. The cops came often to see what the fuzz was all about. The golden trio friendship didn't last long. Timothy couldn't stand Marc. He was disgusted by him and how he treated me. One day he loved me, the other he didn't even notice I existed.

At the end of 2012 summer, Timothy wanted to kill Marc, literally if I haven't stepped between them. Everything was falling apart, Timothy and I needed a break, Marc and I were fighting every step of the way. If I wanted to save us, we had to move. And we did, we moved closer to my parents. Rakvere was supposed to be a fresh start, away from all of our friends and alcohol. I tried to make him see that we have a little girl to think about. Things have to change. But no. At first, it was more or less okay, things were normal but that changed soon when he met new people at his work, then I was back to square one. He started drinking again and lost his job.

Then he stayed home and I went to work. I was working in a store and soon I put money aside, so we can get some food. It lasted short because I got caught. I'm happy about it. They didn't call the police, because they knew my condition and position why I did that. I was so grateful. Marc was furious, not because I stole to get money for food but because I got caught.
"You can't do anything right? Do you?" I was so tired all the time, I had no security, fear was controlling me so much. Marc helped along to the fear, the manipulation didn't stop.

The time we lived in Rakvere, I kept a close connection with Timothy. What Marc didn't know, was that Tim helped me financially the entire time we lived there. He visited me often and we met outside while my friend looked after my daughter. One day Tim told me, that he's leaving the country, for good, and if I wanted to see him for the last time, then the guys are throwing him a farewell party at the end of November. So I called my mom and told her that I want to go, can she take Cristal. She agreed. Marc wasn't happy about it, I honestly didn't care. Tim was there for me, supported and helped me when nobody else did. That weekend was a game-changer. It was all a setup.

Timothy was never going to leave, it was all a plan to open up my eyes, once and for all. Jackson, one of my close friends had a girlfriend a while back who he broke up with because he found out that he got a Chlamydia from Her.
"Why didn't you tell me that you had it too?" He asked. At first, I couldn't understand where this was going and I laughed because it wasn't something to show off with. It was personal but then it hit me. Jackson was sick in July 2011, I even visited him. I was sick in May 2011 and I never slept with anyone besides Marc and Jackson wasn't also the guy who would cheat.

It wasn't long until we understood how it all went down. I called Marc, placed it on speaker and asked him calmly; "Is there anything you want to tell me about the past? Now is the time." He said no. I continued; "You know, Jackson girlfriend Rita is here with us and she has a lot to say," I said to him. The story changed. He denied sleeping with her, that she was disgusted by her, that she is a slut. Which she was, everyone knew that, but Jackson was too naive to see it and believed she changed.
"When you are ready, let me know." I ended the call and turned my phone off. About 15 minutes later, I turned it back in, there were about 20 messages. All saying that he will kill himself. We lived on the 5th floor, so he was planning to jump.

This time I wasn't gonna let him control me, I called the police and ambulance. When they arrived, I received a callback.
"Everything is okay, he is playing his Xbox" and that was it. That was my breaking point. I called him and said we are done. He panicked and ended the call. A little while later he sent me a text, that he is ready to talk. I called him and his first words to me were; "I was drunk and she pushed herself on me, but we can fix this right?" there was nothing to discuss anymore. Who knows what else?

At the beginning of December 2012, I left him. Timothy helped me with everything and we moved in together. My working didn't stop and I got a new job at Sweet Rosie's, an Irish pub while Timothy's mother took care of my daughter. I started working and drink a lot at work. Timothy was my rebound from Marc and that I regret the most because I hurt him so much while all he did, was help and loved me but at that time, I didn't understand that. I had only my survival instincts.

Also, I met a girl Kadi and a guy Anders. I started to lie to Tim and was away from home as often as I could. I partied with Kadi a lot and hanged with Anders. Tim got all the anger and revenge after Marc. I treated him like Marc treated me. For me, it was a blast and then Marc also begged me to come back. So I turned it to a game. I played with Marc, I led him on a long time, that we are still gonna fix all and I still love him, I thought I was gonna make him pay for the pain he cost me, but the end I was only hurting myself more.

In the meantime, I was getting serious with Anders. The more time pass, the more time I spend it with him. Basically, every night, if I wasn't working I was with him and if I was, he was with me. My childhood friend Rico came also to Pärnu, because of me, but that fun was short. As I was close to Kadi, I introduced her to him. Bad mistake. Kadi showed her true self and because of her jealousy over me and Rico's history, she wasn't happy about our friendship and tried to interrupt. I barely saw him after that.

When things got more serious between me and Anders, I told Marc to fuck off in a second. And then there was Tim. Tim knew I had a new guy, he followed us multiple times and caught us a few times. He was so desperate of losing me that he even propose, and what I did? We partied that night and I wanted to sell the engagement ring for 5 bucks. It was a good night though. But another problem came with Tim since I didn't want to sleep with him anymore, things got heated. He was starving and I didn't satisfy him.

I always warned him, not to touch me while I'm sleeping, I might get the wrong idea. And I did. 7 May 2013, I woke up to Tim shagging me from behind. I was lying face down, Tim's hand was on my mouth. I froze. All I did was sob and wait till it was over. When it ended, I ran to the bathroom to throw up. I felt disgusted, by that time I haven't been with anyone, besides Anders and I felt like shit. Tim went to work but before that, he saw my face and realized what he had done.

All I could think of was Rico, I needed my friend. I didn't care about Kadi or what she thought. It was around 7 o'clock in the morning when I texted him and told him, I need him here. And he came. He didn't say anything at first, I was sitting on my couch, squeezing the life out of a pillow, crying my eyes out. He sat next to me and simply held me. For me and Tim. That was the end.

I didn't move out immediately, Tim knew I had nowhere to go. So I stayed. The unwanted sexual intercourse, I brought on myself. It was my fault, I took him that far. He did everything for me, literally. He forgave and still wanted me. All I did was feeling sorry for him. Anders knew about it all, that Tim was my rebound, my financial and materialistic relationship. I was honest. Too damn honest, if you ask me because Anders couldn't embrace it, he used it against me.

One of the saddest connections is the rebound relationship. You're using one person to try to unlove another. There is nothing pure or honest in what that relationship is, or ever will be, as you carried into it an unhealed bond to what was. What I should have done was to cleanse, heal, renew, grow and become over him. Instead, I chose the wrong way and destroyed Timothy while he did nothing wrong. I'm sorry for it. I truly am.