Suicidal Camp

Pain 2

Unti-unti kong iminulat ang mga mata ko at tanging tunog ng kung anong aparato ang umaalingawngaw sa buong kapaligiran.

Where am i?

Napapikit ako nang makaramdam ng matinding sakit mula sa pulso. What happened?

In one snap, I remember everything. On how I tried to end my life but failed.

"Buti naman at gising ka na." Napalingon ako sa nag salita

Gandang bungad nga naman...

I rolled my eyes and slowly get up. I am in the hospital, obviously.

"Kung tusukin ko yang mata mo! Irap ka pa diyan!" She exclaimed

"S-shut up will you?"

"Aba! Isusumbong kita sa daddy mo!"  Nag babanta nitong sabi at inambahan ako sabay alis

Tss..

"You're awake..." napalingon ako sa nag salita.

"How long I've been here, Sara?" I asked my nurse

I know her name coz I am always been here when every time I commit suicide. And also she became my friend.

"Three days..." she answered while nodding her head.

I sigh. Mas matagal kumpara noon.

"Mas malala ang nangyari sa iyo ngayon kumpara noon, Amanda. Kung hindi ka lang agad naidala dito ng maid mo ay baka...." hindi nito maituloy ang sasabihin

"Patay na ako? That's my plan." Ngiti ko dito

Nakita ko ang pag upo nito sa tabi ng kama ko at kinuha ang kamay ko para palitan ng benda. "Anyways.... why that prostitute was here earlier?" I ask

Nag kibit balikat ito " bigla nalang sumulpot" maikling sabi nito at pinag patuloy ang ginawa

"Maybe planning to end my life" natatawa kong sabi na kaniya ding kinatawa

"Amanda...." she started

"What? Are you going to ask me again kung bakit ko ito ginagawa?" I look at her with a smile. A geniune one. " i'm tired already... all i want is to rest....and never wake up again."

Binitawan nito ang kamay ko at ngumiti " God has plans for you... always remember that he loves you and will always be by your side to heal your pain inside."

" if he really is beside me, if he really loves me, why my life turned into a miserable one? If he has plans for me? Then, it all fucked up..." I smiled bitterly "I don't believe you, Sara, he is just turning my life as a living hell... he doesn't love me."

Tinignan niya ako ng may awa. "Trust him... everything will be alright." Ngiti nito at hinaplos ang buhok ko at tumayo " just call me if you need something." At umalis na nga ito

I shook my head. My life fucked up.

-------

"I'll send you to that camp, Amanda." My dad insisted

"No."

"Yes, you are going to that camp." Madiin nitong sabi " ihahatid kita doon para makasiguro." Desidido nitong sabi

"What am I? A child?!" I exclaimed

"You are acting like one."

"I can't believe you... really." He is treating me like this?! Why?! Para sa hospital namin?! Para ako ang mag patuloy?! Dadalhin niya ako doon?! Para ano?! Para makasalamuha ulit ang malandi niyang asawa?! Para pag dusahan ko ang pag aaral ko?! Ang lahat?! Ang buhay ko?! I can't believe him! I hate him!

"I will put her name on the list, Doc. Roweign." My psychiatrist said

"Thank you, doc." My dad thank her and give her a hand before she leaves our house.

"Where are you going?" My dad asks

"Somewhere without you."

Mabilis akong umakyat patungo sa kuwarto ko. I even heard him calling my name.

As I enter my room I felt my phone vibrating. "Yes?" I answered

"What happened to you? Bakit absent ka?" it is Kazumi

"Just not feeling well," I said

"Ano? Okay ka na ba? Papasok ka na ba?" Sunod sunod nitong tanong

"I'm fine... I'm fine." I faked a laugh as I lied " hindi pa ako papasok dahil mag a-out of town kami nila dad." I lied again.

The thought of me and my dad? Out of town? Hah! In my precious dream! That will never happen.

"I see.." I heard her sigh "are you busy? By this time?" She asks

"Uh.. not really. Why?"

"Kailangan ko lang ng makakausap."

"About what?" Taka kong tanong at naupo sa kama

" my parent are having a divorce....my school life sucks! Feeling ko babagsak ako! Nakipag hiwalay pa ang boyfriend ko. My life sucks! Ayoko na...." I even heard her sobs

I took a deep breath " you know what? The school really sucks most of the time, Kazumi. " I even laugh " before you become successful... you need to face failures and stuff. Your grades will be fine! Trust me! Ikaw pa na sobrang talino!" I make my voice sounds positive " your parents are having a divorce? mababago ba noon ang katotohanan na magulang mo sila and they both love you? I am sure they'll be friends soon. For you, kazumi. They both need divorce for themselves... look for their reasons. Understand them. Your boyfriend broke up with you? Did you say? He doesn't deserve you! You are kind, smart, pretty and the most carring person! Kawalan niya yun! Tanga niya na pinakawalan ka niya! Look, kazumi.... everything happens for a reason and soon you'll know. Everything will be alright." Mahaba kong sabi

A moment of silence. Mukang pinapatahan nito ang sarili. "Thank you, Amanda... thank you so much! You are right! Everything will be alright! Mahal parin naman ako ng magulang ko eh! At mababawi ko din ang grades ko! Papasa ako! And that bastard?! Hah! Hindi siya kawalan!" Finally, she's fine now

"That is the spirit, Kazurmi..." I smiled

"Hindi talaga ako nag kamali ng taong nilapitan. Maganda na nga, mabait, matalino at higit sa lahat ay best advice giver! Pwede ka na talaga maging psychiatrist!"

I and kazumi are both psychology student and future psychiatrist. But I can't apply that knowledge to myslef. To my life...

" sana kasing perfect din ng buhay at pamilya ko ang iyo, Amanda... buong pamilya. Mayaman na halatang nag mamahalan pa... halatang napaka saya."  She said  " thank you for your time, Amanda. I have to go! I love you and thank you so much again!" Paalam nito

"Always welcome my dear friend." And I end the call

Funny to think that I am good at giving advice and stuff but I can't apply it to myself and I can't fight against my depression.

All they can see is the painting that covers my greatest pain in life, but they can't see the true life that I have.

Perfect family? All in disguise! That is all a great show for the public and they don't know the darkest secret of our family..... My grades? Are high? I strive for a higher one to satisfy my dad! but never happened.

Sa tingin ko hindi na maayos pa ang magulo at sira kong mundo. Hindi na...