Suicidal Camp

Pain 1

"I suggested you be part of Suicidal Camp, Amanda." my psychiatrist calmly suggested.

I laughed bitterly. Yes, in my case I am already a suicidal "I don't need that. All I need is medication. Nothing more, nothing less." I crossed my arms as I leaned my back on the chair.

"It is just my suggestion, but I can say it will really help you. You'll be meeting a lot of teenagers out there with different kind of mental disorders. You can help each other there." I admire her calmness, her personality. She talks as if she doesn't have any problem and makes you believe that everything will be alright. Hope so?

"no thanks. I have to go." I bid my goodbye before leaving her office.

what if I cross this street? and a car will suddenly hit me? Do you want to give it a try?

I shook my head. I am being a Psychotic Girl again. TSK!

I called a taxi and ask the driver to bring me to Jacston University... my school. As I enter the gate all eyes are immediately on me.

"Hi, Amanda!" one of my classmates greeted me when I entered our class. I just gave her a genuine smile before I sat down to my own chair.

" AMANDA! AMANDA!" i let go a deep sigh.

"why do you need to shout my name, Klarisa?" I raised my eyebrows when she's already in front of me while catching her breath

"m-may....." hands on her knees

"may?" I repeated

"m-may project tayo...HAY!" buga niya nang malakas

"and? mag kagrupo tayo?" I said using my 'obviously' tone

"nadale mo!" naka pamewang nito'ng sabi

"what is new about that?" nangingiwi ko'ng sabi

The girl in front of me is Kazumi Klarisa Peralta. My all-so-called friend of mine.

****

Pag bukas ko ng pinto ay isang malakas na sampal ang natamo ko para dumugo ang gilid ng labi ko.

"Are you out of your mind?!" My dad hissed while showing me the rope that I supposed to use.

I face him without any expression. The only thing I can see is anger.

"Roland... calm down..." his wife asks him to calm down. "Your heart.." she reminded

Yes, you read it right. 'His wife', she is not my mom and will never be!

I smiled bitterly as I remember how my mom died and my father easily replaced her with a prostitute. Great.

"ngingiti ngiti ka diyan! Explain to your dad what's happening! What are the meaning of those killing use there?!" I almost laugh because of what she have said

Trying hard. Tsk!

"Kulang pa ba lahat ng binibigay namin sayo?! Ha, Amanda?! Binigay namin lahat sayo pero ano ang ginagawa mo?! Papatayin mo ang sarili mo?!" He grabbed my face while pointing his index finger " wala kang utang na loob! Gusto mo mag pakamatay?! Ha?! Eto!" Sigaw niya at itinali sa leeg ko ang lubid na hawak

I can't believe he can do this to his own daughter.... to me.

"Go on, dad! Go on kill me!" I shout over the top of my voice and my tears start to fall.

Tila na tigilan siya at lumuwag ang pag kakahawak sa lubid na nasa leeg ko "why did you stop?" I sarcastically ask "gusto mo na ikaw ang papatay sa akin hindi ba? Go on.... unahan mo na ako." Ibinuka ko pa ang mga braso ko at hinintay siyang idiin ang tali na hawak.

umiling iling ito " ayusin mo ang buhay mo, Amanda. " sabi nito at binitawan ang tali at tumalikod

"How can I fix my stupid life? You ruined it already! " I said while crying

"AMANDA!" His wife exclaimed but I did not bother to pay attention

My father slowly faced me as if he can't believe the things I said "all I want is a better future for this family, Amanda! And you will replace me in the future! You'll be the Chairwoman of our company! And it is for you---"

" why not let your prostitute wife handle the company?! Kasi wala kang mapapala sa kaniya----" isang malakas na sampal ang nakapag pahinto sa akin

"How dare you?! This family never----"

" Are we really a family?" I ask innocently " oh? Sabit ka lang dito?" Sarkastiko na sabi ko at sa pangatlong beses ay nakatanggap muli ako ng sampal.

Nakakamanhid na...

I smirked " ang pamilyang ito ay isang christmas tree.." umpisa ko "may mga dekorasyon na isinasabit sa puno upang gumanda..." i look at her " pero panira ka." Na pa maang ito sa sinabi ko.

Bago pa muli mag kagulo ay umakyat na ako sa kuwarto ko at nag kulong. How can I fix my life when it's already too broken to be fixed?

Umupo ako at sinandal ang likod sa pinto at humagulgol sa mga palad. Buong gabi akong umiiyak nang tahimik.

humapdi na ang mata ko ngunit ang pag patak ng mga luha ay tuloy tuloy parin. Tiningala ko ang blangko na kisame at mariin na pumikit.

Mom, can i be with you again?

Inilibot ko ang paningin sa buong kuwarto at nahagip ng mata ko ang isang patalim sa tabi ko. I immediately grabbed it while my hands are shaking. I look at the knife and noticed that there is still some dry blood.

I already used this so many fuckin' times, and I think I will use this again for the last time.

We will see each other again, mommy...

Mabilis ko itong inihiwa ng madiin sa pulso ko at nakita ang pag agos ng dugo mula rito. Wala akong maramdaman na sakit o kung ano pa. Humiga ako sa sahig at ipinikit ang nga mata.

I am already dizzy and any moment from now I am lifeless...

Finally...