With Love, Étienne | ✓

Chapter Nine

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU HAVE NOTHING MORE TO SAY?

Was I supposed to smile and nod my head like I agreed with their point? Or perhaps, was I supposed to try and force myself to think of something to say? Did I stand there and gaze at them with understanding eyes and pat their shoulder before leaving?

There were days when I had no idea on what to say – to anyone. The days where my opinion felt so irrelevant that I wanted to hide away from the world and shield myself from their preying eyes. Most of the time, it didn't even matter for no-one wanted to listen to what I had to say. It was always brushed under the carpet because I was young and of course, I didn't know what I was talking about. Whether it was with my family or friends, I often felt as though I was more of a shadow than a human being. Louella was the only one who saw through me; the one who would pull me back into the group when she noticed I was drifting out.

I spaced out a lot. I liked to get lost in my thoughts and as embarrassing as it sounded, I talked about the things I wanted to with myself because no-one else wanted to listen. When the three of us were in secondary school, we were part of a big group. It was more of a clique, thinking back on it now. Half of the people I disliked for their slyness and the way they would constantly whisper about each other behind their 'friends' back. But Milo was the one who introduced Louella and I to everyone and since we loved Milo and wanted to hang out with him, we were subjected to meeting everyone else.

She was like an angel sent down from heaven. She would always poke my shoulder once and ask me, "Where are you?" It was the small things like that that made me fall in love with her. The way she cared so deeply for everyone around her. The way she would always check in on others to make sure they were okay and oftentimes neglected her own well-being at the cost. But she taught me that it was okay to enjoy my own company. I didn't have to be around a huge group of sleazy teenagers who sniggered at the weirdest things and thought it was funny to pass judgemental comments on everyone. More importantly, after secondary school I learned to be happy with who I was – that I didn't need others to feel validated.

Milo was different, however. Out of the three of us, he was the one who sought the attention from others. He needed that to feel good; to feel as though he was wanted. Neither of us minded that. We were happy enough in our own bubble and sure, there were times when it was frustrating when he would constantly push us to be in the spotlight with him but over time he also began to understand that wasn't us.

"Étienne? What's going on in that head of yours?"

Louella rolled back and forth on the balls of her feet and peered up at me with that curious innocence. The corners of my lips twitched and somehow, she always knew exactly when to drag me back to reality – never letting me drown in the darkness of my thoughts.

"A lot," I hummed, "Got a lot to think about."

"Anything you want to get off your chest?" she offered, "I'm all ears for you."

"Not right now. I think I need to sort out a few things for myself first, but thank you Lou. You're the best."

Before I left, I remembered how Louella used to peek at me when she thought I wasn't looking and she would do this awkward, shy grin and bite down on her bottom lip and quickly avert her eyes when I turned to look at her. I had always asked her what she was thinking of whenever she would do that but she had never answered me. It was a question that I had been pondering for years – and an answer I would probably never get. Perhaps that was another reason why I started to fall for her at such a young age. I loved the way her eyes would shine and sparkle when she did and my stomach would flip over and over until I felt sick but it was the good kind of feeling that warmed at my heart. I liked that her attention was on me and no-one else in the room. It made me feel as though I was important to her; and that was her magic. It was why so many others were attracted to her – she had this way of inviting you in with just one glance and so many others had been in my position: captivated.