With Love, Étienne | ✓

Chapter Sixteen

LOUELLA WAS SITTING IN THE RAIN.

Her hair and body were soaked to the bone but she didn't even seem to notice. Her lips were chapped and pale – all signs of life sucked out of her and even her face was blank. There was a hollowness to her that I had never felt before. I wasn't sure where she was even looking but she seemed to be lost in her thoughts. Her hands were wrapped around her knees and she had dragged them up to her chest while slowly rocking back and forth on the small step. Droplets of rain dripped down her cheeks but suddenly I couldn't tell if they were tears or rain.

I murmured her name into the darkening sky, "Lou?"

"Étienne."

My name was a whisper from her lips. She didn't even turn her head to look at me. I stood there, wondering back and forth if I should edge closer or leave her be. I didn't want her to feel as though I was suffocating her with my presence. I just wanted to make sure she was okay as she could be and I wouldn't have been able to sit still if I left.

Louella shifted over and did a small gesture with her head to the empty space beside her. I took that as a sign to stumble over and sit with her, uncaring of the rain still pattering down on us. If I got sick, it would all be worth it for her rather than leaving her alone with her thoughts. We both sat there, side by side, and simply gazed over the courtyard ahead of us. She seemed too engrossed in her thoughts and I let her mull over them and hoping that my presence was at least comforting to her.

A few moments later, but what felt like eternity, her voice was shaky when she went to speak again.

"Is it bad that I wish I could go back in time and unmeet some people?"

I didn't have to give too many guesses about who she was talking about. I hated the expression on her face and I wished that this would be the only time I would have to see it. There wasn't anything I wouldn't do to wipe it all away. Louella was the last person who ever deserved to feel the kind of destructive and agonizing pain in her life. It angered me beyond belief that someone would ever do anything to hurt her but there wasn't any way I was going to sit back and let them touch her again – whoever they were.

I took a moment to pick my words carefully inside my head while looking straight ahead, watching the rain fall on to the concrete ground. I wasn't sure what it was about the rain that always made me long for something that once was – that feeling of nostalgia. A part of me wanted to relive memories I didn't even have.

"No, it's okay," I said, "Some people bring out the worst in us or hurt us to the point where the bad times outweigh the good."

A sad smile crossed her lips at my reply, "Yeah? It makes me wonder about the good memories I have though. How much of them were even real?"

"They're as real as you want them to be I guess," I shrugged.

"God, I wish I could have amnesia or something," she sighed and rested her face in the palm of her hand, "How easy would it be to just not remember anything?"

"Then you'd lose all of your memories," I whispered, "Would that be worth it?"

Louella fell silent for a brief moment, pondering, before she nodded with certainty.

"Yes. It really would be."

All of our memories would be gone then, too. I'd disappear from her memory just like that – never to be remembered. But I couldn't blame her, for there was a time I wished the exact same thing as well. However, now I was glad that I did get to keep my memories, for she was built around nearly all of them. I never wanted to imagine the hole I would have in my heart if they were somehow erased. The scars would always be there, yes, and they would never disappear but instead, as time moved on, they would slowly begin to fade. I didn't ever want to forget the way in which I felt, the smiles I displayed and the sounds of laugher from those around me I loved. So, even if it hurt, remembering was still better than forgetting.