With Love, Étienne | ✓

Chapter Twenty-Nine

L O U E L L A ' S  P O I N T  O F  V I E W

***

MY BODY FELT HEAVY, AS THOUGH A TONNE OF BRICKS WERE WEIGHING DOWN ON ME.

An empty, desolate feeling settled inside of me, making itself comfortable. It was like I couldn't feel anything, but tears were still leaking out of the corner of my eyes. The room was now dark, except for the small light that shone in from the crack in the door. Milo had gone to the market around the corner with a smile on his face as if nothing had happened, while I was left up here.

A small sob bubbled out of my chest as I pushed myself up on my elbows. Bright red scratch marks and bruises marred my once clear skin. I couldn't seem to get rid of the feeling of his lips trailing all over my body. Instinctively, I scratched at my neck and arms, trying to get the remains of him off me. Sat at the edge of his bed, I looked down at my clothes that were carelessly tossed on the floor. I sniffled as I stood up on wobbly feet and trudged over to his bathroom. I shut the door behind me, making sure that it was locked.

The bathroom was dimly lit; the small bulb above me flickered on and off every few seconds. Padding across the cold tiles, I stood in front of the stained mirror and stared at the reflection of myself. The image of the girl who was looking back at me, didn't even resemble me. Her skin was red and raw, like she had spent an hour scrubbing at it in the shower. Her cheeks were stained with the tears she had cried and with the mascara that came with the it.

With a trembling hand, I lent across and turned on the tap, splashing cold water on my face. The droplets trailed down my pale face, dripping onto the floor. I flicked the tap off as my hands clenched around the edges of the sink in an iron grip. My knuckles turned a shade of white as I desperately willed myself not to cry again. However, my attempts appeared to be futile as an agonizing sob suddenly escaped my mouth. Once one tear escaped, the rest followed like a dam that had broken. Without warning, my knees gave out, and I fell to the floor. My body lurched forward as I was sprawled over the cold floor, like I was about to throw up. There was a burning sensation in my throat, one that would stay there for the next few days. My throat was raw from the countless screams and agonizing wails I had let out.

"Come on Lou," I croaked to myself in a shaky voice . I knew trying to comfort myself in this moment was the only way I would ever be able to find the courage to leave, "Just get out of here. You can do this. You're strong."

With a newfound determination, I clumsily tugged on my clothes. My entire body was shaking and trembling with fear and my skin was crawling in disgust. Even though I was completely covered, I couldn't stop feeling exposed. I wiped away the remainder of my tears and took a deep breath, trying to stop the tremors that wracked my body. I shut my eyes tightly, willing myself to be strong until I got home. Staying in this room made me feel disgusting. I felt like a rag doll who had been used and tossed aside.

Unlocking the door, I poked my head out, making sure the room was clear. I held my breath, straining my ears to hear anything that might let me know if he was home. When a few seconds of eerie silence passed, I made a decision to make a dash for it. I slammed his door open and rushed down the stairs, nearly tumbling over the last two steps at how fast I was going. 

How could I have been so blind to who he truly was? Why hadn't I listened to all the stories and rumours that had been circling around the school and university for years? Was I that desperate for a friend, for someone to love me, that I settled for an absolute monster?

***

"Lou? What are you thinking so hard about?"

Étienne waved his hand in front of my face and I blinked, suddenly jerked out of the memories that haunted me for a year. His face crumpled into one of concern and worry when he took in my expression. I tried my hardest to plaster a bright smile on my face so he wouldn't worry, but Étienne had his ways of seeing right through me. He had laser eyes that could drag the truth out of me within seconds. On the one hand, it was terrifying, but it was also nice to have someone that I could genuinely talk to without the fear of judgement.

Yet, how was I supposed to answer his question? Was there anything I didn't think about? Millions of thoughts, doubts and worries sliced at my brain every day. I couldn't escape them, not even for a moment. While all I wanted was a moment of silence and peace, my thoughts never stopped crashing.

"Sorry. I just got lost in thought for a moment," I apologized.

My skin was crawling, like there were small bugs all over me. I wanted to scratch at my already red arms, desperate to get rid of the feeling, but I couldn't with Étienne here. He was curled into my couch, blankets draped around his shoulders until he basically cocooned himself in. At the sight, a small smile played on my lips. He didn't even realize how adorable he looked sitting there. The warm, evening sun was shining in through the window. It fell over him like it was some kind of planned scene from a movie. It highlighted every one of his features, making them stand out to me even more. The freckles on his face, the loving glint in his eyes, the tiny gap between his teeth and the one curl of his hair that always stuck up. 

There was something different about Étienne; a type of magic that drew people in. He didn't have to insert himself into a crowd or talk over others to be heard. He had the kind of aura where everyone would stop and listen in his presence. Ever since we were little, he captured my soul in his own and wouldn't let go. He felt like home. He always did. Even all these years later, as soon as I sat beside him, all of my nerves subsided and I felt a familiar comfortability. He had this particular stare in his eyes, much the same way when he looked at the stars: with a nostalgia, a longing for something so out of reach.

Yet, I always wondered, if he found out about my flaws one by one, would he still accept me and love me for who I was?

"You sure?" he asked with a frown, ripping me from my darkening thoughts.

"Mhm," I assured him, "Don't worry. I'm okay."

"You look a little pale," Étienne mumbled, "Do you want me to get you a glass of water or anything?"

"If you love me, you'll let me do this, Lou."

"No thanks," I shook my head, "Seriously, I'm okay."

Peering out, the sky was now a peaceful grey. Covered with a thick, cosy blanket of clouds, it hadn't yet been pierced in the heart with spades of sunlight. Chaos was at bay. Little gusts of wind brought refreshing sprinkles where they blew. I exhaled into the silence and slid my gaze over to the peeling paint of my walls -- the ones that had been the same for years, even when I slid down them, aching, crying and screaming. 

"We have to go soon," he glanced down at his watch, "It's almost six."

"I know," I exhaled a tired sigh, "I just wanted a few moments of peace here. With you."

Étienne's face softened, "We can stay here for a few more minutes, but we'll have to leave after that or we'll be late."

Another briefing with the Inspector's and Officer's down at the station awaited me. My body felt too exhausted to even get up, but I couldn't cancel. I had already put it off for a few days and Marielle promised she would come down the weekend and give in her statement, too. It was all-too suddenly becoming terrifying. There was no backing out anymore. Now that I had started, I had to see it through to the end, but that was the part that scared me the most. 

Like a beautiful rose standing in the middle of a garden, I hated how I had let myself become so distracted by his outer beauty that I didn't even see his thorns. I wanted to hate him. I really did. I wanted to be able to say that I was done, that I could think of him and breathe at the same time. I wanted to be able to act as though I was indifferent.

But I couldn't.

The most jarring part of it all was that I would have to remember him for a lot longer than I even knew him. . . and that thought in itself was hard to accept. On some days, I wished our paths had never crossed. 

If only I could go back in time and tell myself then what I know now, because it was hard to describe just how heart-breaking it was to know that someone like him existed.

****

just a brief view into louella's mind! gear up for the ending very soon --  about 8/9 chapters left!!