diagnosed (calum hood fanfiction)

I

grace's pov

"It's weird, you know? I'll see a number, or a word, or hear someone say something, and I'll just keep tracing the number with my finger or repeating the word into my head until I fall asleep. Then, I'll wake up the next morning and do it over again. The numbers are different every time, this last week it's been 6. I just can't stop seeing it in my brain. It's like I become obsessed with numbers or letters and that's all I can think about until a new one comes along." I catch my breath, my finger tracing and swirling the number six over the clothing on my thigh.

My therapist clears her throat. I've told her this happens, but she hasn't been able to make a clear diagnosis yet. She has ideas, some of my symptoms could fit Schizophrenic disorder, Anxiety, Depression, ADD, OCD, etc.

"Well that could mean so many things, sometimes it's a coping mechanism. Your brain gets so crowded with other thoughts you decide to put your energy into something as simple as a number or letter. Although, it's usually more common to do so during stressful or uneasy situations. Can you tell me, when does this occur?"

I furrow my eyebrows, and start picking at my painted black thumb nail. "I don't know. It always happens. I guess I just think of something new to obsess over when I see a number on the TV or my homework. Or, when I hear my parents talk. Sometimes a word will stick out to me and I'll repeat it or one of the letters. The same with colors, too. But those are associated with different things, so that's a bit different." My brain grows tired, I've been in this office for nearly an hour now. She always makes me think harder than I do anywhere else, and I'm just glad my time is almost up. I adjust on the grey couch, and stare out the window next to me. It's raining, and I close my eyes at the sound of the raindrops against the glass. Ms. Lewis clicks her pen, closes my file, and then I snap out of my daze.

"I'm afraid that's all the time we have today, Grace. I will keep in touch with your mother like always, and we'll meet again next week, okay?" I nod my head, and stand up from the couch. She walks me out her wooden door, we smile at each other, and I head down the familiar corridor. I arrive at the lobby, my mom instantly looking up from her phone and smiling at me.

She stands up, and we walk out of the building together. "How was your meeting, honey?" She says. We get into the car, and she puts the keys into the ignition as I buckle my seatbelt.

"It was good, we still don't have anything yet though. I'm scared we never will find what's wrong with me." She begins to drive home, but my statement causes her to place her hand reassuringly over mine.

"Honey, I promise you she will help you, no matter what. She is the best in the business, and we didn't go through ten other therapists just to fall back down to square one again. Trust me, everything will be okay." She says, and I nod. I don't know if I believe her, but for now, I try to.

•••
calum's pov

It's cold and dark, the hair on my skin is standing on edge. Something is wrong. I get out of bed, and rush downstairs. I see her, I see my mother. But I see her lying lifeless on the kitchen floor, her wrists bloody and her body limp. I scream, but nothing comes out. I run to her, but I can't get to her. Suddenly her eyes fly open and she reaches for me, screaming my name, screaming for help. I fight and try to get to her but I just can't get past this invisible wall separating us. I can't save her. I couldn't save her.

I dart up, my breath heavier than it's ever been and my sheets drenched with sweat. I run my hands through my hair, and look at the time.

7:30 am.

I sigh, and get out of bed. With my new meds, I thought these dreams would stop, but they're just getting more vivid.

I rub the sleepiness from my eyes, and immediately head for my medication cupboard. I grab the first bottle I see, and take three, hoping it works.

I look in the mirror, my dark hair is sticking everywhere and my eyes are crusted with dry tears. I jump, for a second I feel as though I see my mother standing in the mirror behind me, but I know that's impossible.

"She's dead, Calum. She's been dead for a year now." I say to myself. This is a statement that I have to repeat to myself everyday, but one that I will never get used to.

I turn around to the shower, and turn the faucet.

After the water gets warm enough, I get in and let the water wash over my body. The water feels so comforting, and when it touches my skin I feel enveloped in warmth. It makes me feel safe and secure, it makes me miss my mother's hugs.

I don't realize I'm crying until I taste the familiar saltiness from my tears that distinguishes them from the drops from the shower head.

I yell at myself, and slam my fists into the white shower walls. I need to stop thinking about her, and if I don't, then I don't know what I'll do.

Before I know it, I'm done showering and changing into clothes for school. The last thing I want to do when I wake up from these dreams is to go to a school full of people I don't enjoy, but I have no choice. By now it's 8 am, and my dad is long gone for work. Since it's just me and him, I'm home alone nearly 24/7 every single day. I see him for a few minutes before bed and on the weekends I see him when I'm not out.

I decide on a black Nirvana tee shirt and black jeans ripped in the knees. I slip on some black vans, and try to fix my hair so it doesn't look like a complete mess. I give up on it quickly, groaning as I just run my hand through it and brush it to the side.

"Good enough." I say, grab my bag, then walk out the door.

•••
grace's pov

I sigh as I take my keys out of the ignition. "It's okay, you can do this." I tell myself. No, it's not the first day, but those words are some that I've had to repeat to myself every day.

I grab my bag from the passenger seat, get out of my car, and lock the doors behind me. I throw my backpack over my shoulder and I make my way to the uninviting front doors of my high school.

I make my way to my first period, but meet my best friend at her locker before the warning bell rings.

"Hey, Kate." I smile, and she looks up from her phone to greet me.

"Hey slacker, late again?" She laughs, and I just shake my head and stare at my feet. I'm wearing black skinny jeans, a grey Nirvana shirt, and some black high-top Converse shoes.

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever." I smile at her, and she closes her locker shut as the warning bell rings. This means we have a minute to get to our first hour, and we begin walking there now. Kate and I share a first hour, and it's actually a glass I enjoy for once. We make our way to Government, just talking about different things, different people, all that good stuff.

"So, any boys catching your eye lately?" Kate says, and I just scoff in response. This is a question Kate finds a way to ask me every single day.

It's November of my senior year, and I haven't had a boyfriend since eighth grade. It lasted a month, so that doesn't even count.

"Like I tell you everyday, no. This school is huge, I'm nearly 18, and I still haven't met half of the people who go here. Besides, I'm doing just fine on my own, Kate. If there are any cute boys here, which I haven't seen any in all my three years so far, they don't want me. Believe me." I laugh at her, and she just rolls her eyes at me. She always tells me that I've been single all these years because guys are intimidated and know I'm too good for them, but I think that's bullshit. My mom already tells me that every day, so I don't need to hear it twice.

We turn the corner, groan as we pass the three couples who hide away under the staircase for their daily make-out session, and arrive to our class.

"I can't wait until the right one comes along, Grace. You'll see, you'll see," She whispers as we take our seats next to each other "he will be so worth the wait."

—-

hi bb's, it's me!
excuse the fact that her name is Grace, I literally could not think of another girl name off the top of my head that fit her personality, so that's that lmao.
but I've been wanting to write a story with this plot for forever, and I finally found a way to approach it!
i hope you guys enjoy, i am really, really, proud of this one so far :)
let me know how you dig :-)))

-bluboycth