Why do I have to be so in love with you? And why are you so good to me? I can’t have you; you’re with him. I know that. You know that. So why do I still love you the way that I do.
Every time I see you with him or hear you talk about him, I always think, “It should be me.” It isn’t. It never is. How can I be sure that it ever will be? You say that we can be together at some point; but how am I supposed to know that the two of you won’t just run off and tie the knot without ever telling me? The answer is, I don’t. And what if he breaks up with you because he sees how much we talk and he starts thinking you would choose me over him even though we both know that would never happen? You might just end up blaming me for losing him and you could end up hating me. Just thinking about it hurts; no, it kills. Just thinking about how much I love you causes me to hurt because I see how likely it is that you will never truly love me the same way. I really don’t know what I would do without you yet at the same time I have no clue what I can do even with you in my life. You tell me I’m too good to you because I’m always there when you need me, and I always will be there for you, but if I’m too good to you and if I’m so perfect, why are you with him and not with me?
You keep trying to tell me that I’m a good person and you constantly do your best to reinforce it but if you knew even half of the things I have ever thought, half the feelings I have ever felt; you would instantly change your mind. I can’t share it. I won’t share it. I refuse to let anyone else be worn down by me. But I also still won’t leave you, whether you stay with him or not. If I ever leave you, I won’t have any way to even try to protect you from ever feeling just how bad I have always felt.
You say I am your favorite person, but is that really true? Again, I’m just me; I’m not with you. You have him, and he loves you. I love you too, but you don’t know that; well, at least, you don’t really know just how much. But maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe it’s best to keep you away from being with me, that way you won’t ever have to see me break down, that way you won’t ever have to pull me off that pedestal you seem to have put me up on. I want to protect you from ever having to see the real me.
-Carly
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The Unsaid Thoughts of the Ones Who Are Hurting
PoetryIn life there's pain and anguish. Most of it can't be understood by us while we go through it, and some can never be understood. However, though we may not understand the pain, we can talk about what it is, what it feels like, and how it affects us...
