The Unsaid Thoughts of the Ones Who Are Hurting

To Keep Me From Losing Myself

I don’t want to stop fighting for you. I don’t want to stop fighting for us. How can I keep going like this? I just really don’t understand. I have been fighting for this for over a year now and it has been a constant struggle. I’m trying I really am, but I need to know, how long am I going to have to keep doing this? I’ve been trying so hard for so long, and, well, I don’t think I can do this much longer, if any. I have been putting so much into this that it’s starting to hurt, a lot. I feel like my heart is being torn out of my chest and ripped apart over and over, and over. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone before, and, on top of that, I have no clue if I will ever be able to love anyone again as much as I have loved you. You are my favorite person, my hero, my first love, and, most importantly, my life. All of that is the problem, though. I am starting to believe that, if I have to keep fighting for this as hard as I have been that I am going to fall apart, and, just like humpty dumpty, will never be able to get put back together again. And, yeah, I know that this pain and hurt has been there since the very beginning, but back then I thought it was just a necessary evil; that I would be able to overcome and push beyond it. Now, however, I’m starting to see that I will always be fighting your family just to be with you. I’m already fighting enough of my own family as is, I really don’t want or need to be fighting yours as well. They have fought us at every turn since the start. “What’s worth the prize is always worth the fight.” Or so I thought back then. Some things are just out of reach, and sometimes they are meant to stay that way, no matter how hard anyone can try. For now, though, until you can get them to learn to understand and be reasonable, I really think it’s best if I just leave you. Maybe you can find someone better; a person that is more patient and tolerating of all of this than I am. I’m sorry I can’t be the one for you. God knows I really wanted this to work out more than anything, but until I start pulling back the pieces of my life that I have spread too thin over the years, I will never be able to be the right one for anybody because I will be spending too much time trying to figure out why we weren’t able to work even though the answer is, always has been, and always will be in plain sight. I’m sorry and I really do still love you.

-John