I refuse to leave myself alone to my thoughts; I can’t do it anymore! I have to have constant background noise; otherwise those thoughts will just keep coming back. I’ve given up trying to get rid of them. The voices in my head always are trying to shout them at me if I don’t force them down. It’s all I can do to keep myself going as is; I really don’t need to be hearing the voices in my head telling me all of these horrible things.
If I even let those thoughts leave my subconscious for a few seconds I start to panic. Self-harm, suicide, even murder, those quickly become the thoughts that consume my mind. You wanna know the worst part of it all? Well, that’s quite simple, really. The worst part is the fact that those thoughts actually get my heart to beat faster, and not even out of fear, but rather, from excitement. The fear, well, that comes afterwards. I fear what I’m starting to become. If I’m excited at the thought of hurting myself and others, what sort of monster does that make me? How is it possible for me to be a good person with all of this?
The best answer I can seem to find is that I can’t. There’s no way that I can be a good person unless I completely block off those thoughts. That’s why you’ll never catch me unless I’m doing something or listening to music. If I don’t have something going to distract me I lose control of my thoughts.
If I ever hurt you, please accept this right now as my apology. If you learn that I’ve ever hurt myself, just know that it means I was barely hanging on. Also, please accept my apology if I don’t want to mention it; I despise feeling weak, and if I hurt myself, it means I was too weak to win that battle. Finally, if I ever kill myself, please don’t mourn my death; rather, honor it. I want people to believe not that I lost a battle, but rather that I was just a fallen soldier in a much larger war. Many others have fallen before me, and many others will fall after. If I take my life, it means that I was overrun, that, in the end, my death was purely because I was fighting a seemingly endless war against seemingly endless foes, with only a few allies to aid me, and, while I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to keep myself from being outdone by their superior numbers, I made sure to do everything in my power to vanquish as many of their numbers as I could, even taking out a few of my opponents with my dying breath.
-Lee
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The Unsaid Thoughts of the Ones Who Are Hurting
PoetryIn life there's pain and anguish. Most of it can't be understood by us while we go through it, and some can never be understood. However, though we may not understand the pain, we can talk about what it is, what it feels like, and how it affects us...
