Baby Steps (Gandrew)

I'll Love You Forever And Ever

Garrett

"I love you."

"What?"

I'd heard him say it before, so I don't know why I was taken by surprise when I heard the four-letter word slip out of his mouth. I watch as his face grows uncomfortably red, and then I realize, he's waiting for you to say it back, dumbass.

But, I couldn't.

I wanted to.

So bad.

Like so bad.

But something inside of me wouldn't let me say it back, not yet.

I search for something to say, my mind coming up blank. Really?? This was the time my mind decided to stop working?

"Nothing, never mind." He stutters, he gets up from the couch, "I uh... I should go, I'll just grab my things," He's moving so quickly and I can't even process what's happening.

"Andrew, wait!" I call out, in an effort to get him to stop.

"No, really, Garrett, I need to go, now."

"Andrew I..."

"You don't have to say anything," He shakes his head, muttering words under his breath, "idiot, why would you even say something like that..." I bite my lip, okay, ouch?

"You just surprised me is all... I wasn't expecting you to sa-"

"Please, stop talking." He mutters, still searching for his things. "It's not a big deal, it's just a word."

My heart aches, because it wasn't "just a word" to me.

"But it's not."

"Yes, it is." I shake my head, beginning to get defensive.

"No, Andrew, it's really not, and you can't just throw it around any time you feel good." I snap, this was exactly what I had been talking about earlier when I'd mentioned how afraid I was to open back up to him. "You can't just spring that on someone like that, especially not after what we just did." Feeling even shittier about what just had happened, all I can think about is that he'd said it due to the sensation he'd just experienced.

"You think I don't mean what I say?" The look in his eyes turns nasty, a glint I'd never seen.

"I didn't say that."

"Except for you kind of did though, Garrett." He shakes his head, "When will anything I do ever be good enough for you? I mean Jesus Christ, man, I'm trying my hardest here to make you happy." I feel sick to my stomach, here it was happening again.

"I didn't mean to upset you, I just... you can't just say 'I love you' if you don't really mea-"

"You don't think I mean it? You think I'm what?? Just using you for a quick fuck? Are you fucking serious right now? After everything, we've been through?? How fucked up do you have to be to think I'd seriously be this invested in us to hurt you like that?"

"YOU MADE ME THIS WAY," I scream, the anger inside of me pouring out, tears springing to the corners of my eyes and he falls silent. "DO YOU THINK I WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY?" I pause, trying to collect my thoughts and ease my anger, "I want nothing more than to tell you that I love you, nothing more but to tell the world that you're mine, I want to take you on special dates and let everyone in my life know that you're mine. I want to spend every waking moment with you, I want to spend the rest of my God damn life with you, Andrew. So, fucking trust me when I say that I wish I could say that word back to you without feeling like I'm about to drown." I'm sobbing as I speak, my entire body trembling, "Without feeling like I can't breathe because I'm so fucking terrified of you leaving me, again. I'd love to tell you that I loved you, but I can't, I can't tell you that yet, and I'm so fucking sad and sorry that I can't, it kills me."