Adopted by One Direction

Chapter 44

➡October 30, Thursday

He takes one look up at that horrible spot and almost throws up all over Harry.

"I can't do it," he whispers. He's scared, nervous, and most of all, about to cry his heart out. All he wants to do it curl up, sob, and scream until his throat bleeds and he can't cry anymore.

"Louis, do you think any of us want to go up there?!" Liam snaps. He's become more irritable and more likely to yell at them these past few weeks.

He realises what he did and mutters an apology, but apologies won't bring Lily back. Nothing will.

Her door has remained closed and no one has had the guts to enter. Louis' debated going in and seeing what's in there but couldn't do it. He couldn't bring himself to enter because he knew that once he entered he would cry and cry and cry and never stop.

Some pictures have remained on the walls but he can't look at them. They just remind him of his failure to save Lily. He has a picture of her in his wallet; her on a swing with a beanie on. He doesn't even remember when it was taken, but all that matters is that the picture captures her beautiful innocence.

He shakes his head and puts it in between his hands. Tears are threatening to fall and he laughs bitterly; an unexpected sound at a funeral. But he's laughing because, for the past few weeks, he hasn't been able to cry anymore. He doesn't know why and he won't-no can't-believe that it was due to him being over the loss of Lily. He'd never be over that. It's more that he was in shock those past few weeks.

"Louis. We have to go up," Niall whispers to his mate. Niall's eyes are red-rimmed and his face is pale. He looks like he's also about to hurl.

Louis gets up and shakes his head again. In the span of about a month, he has so many happy memories of that little girl who meant so much to him. And in that month he let her down.

They make their way up to the podium where they're forced to stand beside the open coffin that holds Lily and make speeches about her.

"She..." Harry trails off and clear his throat. His voice came out raspy and he knew he was about to cry.

A choked sob came from his right and he glances over seeing Zayn's face covered by his hands.

"I loved her," Harry finally whispers. "We-we all did."

Three simple words. Three very simple words but who knew it could cause so much damage.

Every person in the room bursts into tears, and if they were softly crying they cried even harder. But the lads were now fighting for the mic even though they all wanted to say the same thing.

All they wanted to say is, "We didn't love her."

"We love her," Louis says. "We didn't love her. We love her. Even though she's..." Louis chokes on the word. He felt that if he said it, it became real. And he wasn't ready to face that even though he is at her funeral.

Zayn steps up to the mic, tears running down his face. "She's gone and it's all our fault." He takes a moment to breathe through his tears. "We let her down and-" Zayn sobs but forges through somehow. "-and I guess that means...I guess that means we killed her."

The lads all take one glance at all the horrified faces in front of them and nod in agreement.

They nod as one. In unison. In harmony. However you want to say it, they did it together. Something they've been for the past four years.

And together, they walk off the stage with tears running down their faces and hearts shattering.

They knew they are being hard on themselves. They knew that people probably wouldn't agree. But they also knew that it was true.