If You Need a Friend

Inhale... exhale...

Hey friend, if you're reading this I will be supeerrrrrr happy because you're here another day. But this day is different, you have me and I will talk to you as much as you need me to because that's what a friend does. I'm not perfect either and I feel pain just as much as you but hey, that's okay.

Just know we won't be alone anymore, you got me and I got you.

My dear friend, we both know the world is an entire piece of shit and nobody cares.

But just breathe in, breath out.

It's okay to cry, it actually is. Me, an intellectual, would tell you that crying releases endorphins that reduce your pain and make you feel better but that's besides the point.

Unfortunately, us broken souls walk around with broken pieces hanging off our chest. As we walk, they dance in the string from which they hang and collide against each other. The shooting pain hurts so bad we can hear it, almost as if two pieces of glass smashed against one another. And yet, we smile assuring everyone that we are okay and repeating it enough so we can believe it ourselves.

Our mouth is sown, because if we were to speak about the aching feeling inside our rib cage we would only add the judgement and criticism of others to our already existent pain; so we remain silent. We walk and walk, wandering every street, every city, tasting its people, its grounds but there doesn't seem to be a place where we feel okay, where we find any other flavor besides bitterness. There is no comfort or warmth to make our heartache ease. Instead, the pain becomes stronger until it's nothing but numbness and if we smile or laugh, it almost feels real. But it's not, gladly proven by pain sneaking into our soul again and replace our smiles with a frown, a flat face, an empty hole that multiplies the pain in our chest so that it now feels heavier than it did before.

And if we thought our broken pieces crashing against each other was painful, suddenly there is nothing but a hollow space.

The hollow space that holds everything nobody else wants to hear or speak about. The things we're told to keep within ourselves as if they were some sort of venomous snake. Nobody dares to talk about the anxiety of leaving your bed in the morning and the amount of physical and mental energy it takes to do so. But it's real. Anxiety is real. The aching feeling deep inside our soul that paralyzes us and makes our hands drip of sweat. The sudden feeling of not knowing what to do with yourself and feeling like you don't fit into your own skin. The feeling grows an immense desperation we want to pull one and every single one of our hairs. And then the weeping begins, the uncontrollable sobs and quivering that seem to have no end. They stop, you breathe, the pain vanishes and when you are just getting back on your feet, it hits you like the thunder hits the trunk of an oak tree, extinguishing it's power.

Yes, I know, my dear friend. I understand it perfectly.

I know we lay in bed with the purpose of  avoiding those hanging pieces from hurting, if we don't move, they won't either. We avoid the world and its stinging words. Words that cut through one and each piece of ours until it becomes nothing. Words that slip out of ignorant lips and swim through our minds over and over to never be forgotten. The heavy ache in our chest keeps us in place and there is no energy to move, to get up and face the day. There is only loneliness, trapped in those four walls that prohibit sunlight from coming in and lighting up our soul, therefore, sadness and darkness fulfills us. There is nothing but the devastating, sympathetic pain of seeing ourselves in that situation, all alone and broken.

I know, I know.

But you CAN, you can get up and live life. You can do it.

Because you, my friend, you are great and you are okay, and It's okay to have words swimming in your mind as long as those words remind you that you are strong and you can do anything you put your mind into. Words are the most powerful things in the world, not all are bad, remember that. Focus on the good ones, let them overpower you and guide you into the path of self love.

Lucky you, I'll be here to remind you and be the one to plant those words in your heart like I used to plant beans as a kid. I watched them grow, don't think I won't watch you grow because I will.

So let me water you and tell you that you are genuinely unique, gorgeous as one can be. You've come so far and you've done so much even if you don't feel like you have. Your life matters just as much as everyone else's and you should never forget that. There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling angry, sad, upset, broken.  You are human and humans feel. There is nothing wrong with taking a small break from everything and laying in bed until your wounds heal. But there is something wrong with never getting up and thinking it's always okay to feel pain, because it isn't. Yes, many of us feel that way, but that doesn't make it okay. What makes it okay is to get up, breathe into the day, smile, and pick up your own pieces because they won't hurt forever.

You won't hurt forever.

You will be okay.

You are loved.

You are beautiful.

and most importantly,

You are WORTH it.

My dear friend, thank you, thank you for being alive. Thank you for breathing into another day, I know it was hard but you did it. And I'm very proud of you.

And if you need a friend, reach me.

Much love. X