My Mind

The heaviest hour I own

The bench creaked as I sat on it. I set my heavy backpack down, in the hopes that it would ward off anyone from trying to sit next to me. I leaned forward, elbows on my knees and my chin resting on my palms. What am I even doing here? I asked myself solemnly. The back of my wrist still burned from an unclean wound. I secretly hoped I would get an infection and die. Nobody can blame themselves if it seems like natural causes. A sigh caught itself in my throat, causing my breath to shake louder than I would have liked it to. I glanced around the park, looking both ways, up and down the trail in front of me. It seemed deserted, like someone heard that I was coming and word spread to evacuate. It was all my fault, my brained echoed over and over like a broken record until I understood what it meant... and then some.

If I would just let it go, then none of this would be happening. My eyes warmed up as tears formed themselves in the corners. He is right anyway, I am doing this to myself. I wiped my eyes and sniffled as quietly as I could. I just need to cry, I'll feel better later, I promise. My cheeks grew cold and my nose was wet. This isn't how it was supposed to be! More hot tears fell from my eyes, soaking into my sweater sleeves and raining down on the ground below. A memory of his voice played, as if the embodiment of my fear was sitting next to me "You are the cause of your own downfall. You just spout your false problems for attention, people with depression don't come out and say they have depression, and in doing so, you cause other people harm who actually need help." Shut up, shut up, shut up!

My eyes widened towards the ground; a headache formed in the back of my brain. Toil and torment clouded my thoughts, my eyes. It was like I was choking, but I had plenty of oxygen. My neck burned, and yet, I could breathe.

This isn't how it was supposed to be, It's not meant to be this way, I can't keep doing this to myself.

I knew that a good cry was far from possible for me, but oh, how I wished I had the courage to wail like a child. The ability to scream without shame was just a gift I would never receive.