My Mind

too far too fast

I fear that sometimes im going to far too fast. I want to be so much more than I am and everything I do to take a step closer to my dream it feels like im walking away from my childhood.
Im just a teenager why is everyone cheering me on for growing up? Isnt anybody going to put a hand on my shoulder and tell me to slow down? Why do I run so much faster than the other kids around me? Why cant they see the world through my eyes and why cant I see the world through theirs? How do I know if Im running down the right street when the fog is so thick in front of me that my hand becomes invisible when I hold it out at full length? What if I run into a moose or get lost in the woods? I can run so fast but speed only helps so much.

When I grow up I want to be an astronaut.
When I grow up I want to be a firefighter.
When I grow up I want to be an artist.
When I grow up I want to be a role model.
When I grow up I want to be loved and remembered and cared for and guided.

I worry sometimes that im going too far too fast. How do I know that Ive reached my destination? Who will be there at the end of the race to tell me how I did? Will I run alone or with my family? My friends? Im going too far too fast arent I? But If I slow down I can never step into the world where my dream lives. That dream is very fast and moves quickly. Im fast and I can move quickly but what about my friends? I cant just leave everybody behind just to follow my dream. What if they need help? What happens to them when I run ahead?

Its all so stupid, I know and its not helping to over think but a brain only functions how it deems most efficient. I would rather take someone under my wing for a minute than for them to live in my shadow forever.
Ah my shadow, lots of people seem to like hiding in it. "I wish i was born with your talent" or "of course you get perfect grades, you're you" there is so much more to me than a number online and the one time I did something cool.

I can be funny but only if nobody is around.

Im athletically inclined but only because I CHOSE to join the wrestling team, I CHOSE to join the X-country running team, I CHOSE the volleyball team, I chose things that made me faster stronger. I wasnt born being able to run a mile in 6 minutes I wasnt born with the capability to plank for 5 minutes. I train, I practice, I get good at what I try because I try to get good.

I draw all the time, ask my momma. I drew with the ketchup on my plate with my finger and crayons on the wall. I quickly learned the different between right and wrong. "Everything has consequences that can be good or bad" my mom used to say. "The natural consequence of drawing on tbe wall, you clean it up" God I love her so much. She taught me to be humble, she taught me to be kind. But to be humble I have to rant somewhere because if I agreed with the people who tell me im born with talent then I wouldn't try to be good at anything.

Kindness games are fun for me to play too. I like to keep an eye out for someone who needs help, help them, and never trade names. I helped a girl at school clean up her spilled coffee. It went fast cause her and I both cleaned it up together and she told me it was her first day at the school, I dont know her name and I probably never will. But it made my day to make hers.