My Mind

Aaron

I took my hands out of my pockets and had them at my sides in frustration. Open palms, fingers spread, trying to hold still but they were trembling again. I looked up at the man I used to call "Dad" and only thoughts of venom came to mind. I didn't say anything in fear of him exploding on me again. This time surely he would truly hit me, this time I wouldn't walk away unscathed like I always do. I opened my mouth to speak but not a single word found its way out of the maze that was in my head. I breathed in, the stoic air danced across my tongue and into my lungs, renewing my timer.

Dad composed himself. "All I asked was if you feel trapped" he said. His voice was sick, he sounded calm, how could he dare to use that tone with me in a time like this. "...and you said yes-"

I cut him off quickly, "Aaron" I barked his name instead of using 'dad'. I watched him tense in response before I continued, "I said I was trapped but you never asked me what I'm trapped by. I'm trapped by you," my voice coming out scalding hot. My gaze turned to steel as I continued "You build a cube made of concrete around yourself and tell me to look inside. No matter what angle I take or what words I say, I can't get through." He opened his mouth to speak but I spoke over him, my anger feeding me as if it was put through a strainer, painfully slow. "I'm a problem solver, you know that. But you are a problem with no solution." We locked eyes. This was a battle of wills that I intended to win.

"Those are someone else's words" he said in his calm tone. "I want to hear from you"

My anger roared even louder inside against my skull, beating hard against the back of my skull. But the strainer in my head wasn't going to break anytime soon so it spilled out into my eyes as a clear liquid, obscuring my vision, making itself an inconvenience. I wiped at my eyes in frustration. I wanted to be able to see my enemy, not fight blindly. "Those are my words" was all I could think to say. Frustration built even more as I couldn't express myself deep enough. My whole body was shaking now. I wish I could turn my filter off, I wish I could scream without shame, I wish I could tell him I was angry, I wish he would understand me.

"No, those are opinions that your mom projects onto you, those are her thoughts." His voice was too calm. He was pissed off but his voice showed nothing. Like nothing I could ever say or do would phase him. All the more reasons I had to push his buttons.

"Great minds think alike" I told him in a similarly calm voice. I was disassociating again. I was disappearing, becoming a different me, I'll only be gone for a little while. I welcomed this because it made me forget. I disassociate so I don't have to relive these moment again in my memory. As I ebbed away so did my anger, It sunk down and pulled me into the darker shadows of my mind's eye.

Unfortunately my physical body remained with the last piece of my functioning thoughts. "Lets go" my own voice echoed again and again in my now empty head. No more sound was comprehensible, as we rode back to my mom's house. The car ride was filled with more arguing between him and my sister. It's all too loud, my head burned from rapid fire responses between the two. Every new topic they fought about led to a common denominator, him. Everything moved faster, the whole car was one color. My whole being wanted to go home and comfort myself with a teddy bear, a box of tissues and my cat.

I felt my dad suddenly grab my arm. I looked down in confusion to see my right hand thumb embedded deeply into my left wrist just below where all the tendons started. "Oh" was all I could think of I response.

A small bubble of blood started to form within the new trench in my skin. I felt it start to burn and remembered that blood was a natural irritant. I pulled my arms out of his grasp and scooted away from him. He doesn't love me, he will never care about me again. He will never deserve my love but I am cursed to care about him for the rest of my life.

The extra anger from earlier fell freely from my eyes. It no longer felt like it was an inconvenience, I didn't want to look at the man beside me. How could I even look at him after what he's done, what he's said, how he's made me feel. "I can't handle anything." my own internal voice betrayed my control. "I'm not worth help." Dad grabbed my arm again and my thoughts cleared quickly from my head. Looking down, a second trench had been dug into my wrist just above the first one. "..." My whole head numbed at the sight and a light humming filled my ears. I tried to pull away from my father but he held tight and started speaking. I couldn't understand him, it was like he was in a metal tunnel and underwater.

The trees passing us were only a dark green color and the sky was a cool blue like always. We pulled into the driveway at my house, and relief washed over me as the seconds passed. Each wave slightly stronger than the last as we got closer.

As soon as the car came to a full stop, I didn't even wait for him to be in park to push the door open. "Bye Aaron" I spat without even looking at him.

He boomed from inside the car behind me "I am your father you will show me respect"

Leona had enough of his bull crap, "We will show you respect when you prove to us that you are worthy of it" she seethed visibly and did her glare that only she could pull off.

"You will respect me, woman, you will respect me" Aaron contained himself from screaming.

"You haven't earned it" Leona growled and didn't say another word as she ran after me into the house.