Letters from India - Part 2

35. Householder's Life - May 1991

Householder’s Life

May 1, 1991

Prasanthi Nilayam

Venkamma just sent a short handwritten letter to me today, via some relative who just arrived from seeing her. She wrote that she is OK. (Indians will NEVER write any bad news, but at least she wrote the letter in her own handwriting which says something - actually she usually dictates letters and never writes herself!). She wrote that Swami will come on 4th May, and only then will she know whether He wants her to stay in Whitefield or return to Prasanthi Nilayam.

Three days ago her entire family went and stayed with her in the hospital – son, son’s wife, their six children and two grandchildren! Now two grandsons have returned but still six relatives are there, so I stay away! Venkamma also had asked me to return to Prasanthi Nilayam, after I had spent 1½ day there, for the very reason of protecting me from possible family politics.

Now, I forgot to write a dream I had a few days before she got sick! Actually I thought it might be a meaningless dream but it seems now, after Venkamma’s sickness, to have meaning! Also, Venkamma had a dream on the very same early morning.

Open 17 April Venkamma had a dream of Swami walking about giving Darshan. Then He came up to her and said, “Don’t worry about anything, don’t hold onto anything. Just look after your health.” Poor Venkamma bragged to everyone about the dream for days afterwards, “Even Swami came in my dream and said not to be attached, only to look after my health. How to do it? If I don’t look after the children, who will?” At this time she had greatly recovered from the first Whitefield trip, and it wasn’t till one week later that she fell very ill.

That same morning I also had a dream, indicating hard times ahead for both of us. Venkamma and I were walking to a small Self Realization Fellowship house/temple. (Intriguing because I hadn’t seen or heard anything to remind me of SRF Gurus!) It was early evening. We entered into the temple – a small one-room white cottage. I only saw an elderly caretaker there. We went into the small main room, all white with wall-to-wall sparkling clean white carpeting. We both sat down to meditate. An altar was there with pictures of the SRF gurus on the wall (Babaji, Krishna, Jesus, Lahiri Mahasaya, Swami Sri Yukteswar, Paramahamsa Yogananda). On the other side of the room there was a small attached hallway - on one side was Yogananda’s room and on the other was Yukteswar’s room. The caretaker said it wasn’t time to open them yet (they were locked and bolted). One got the feeling that they wouldn’t be opened for some time.

Both Venkamma and I were passing blood. I got up with four of my cloths and four of hers. I went to the small, clean attached bathroom and washed out the cloths, hung them to dry, then returned and sat.

I started to stare at the gurus pictures, and I became fixated on the photo of Lahiri – it was shining as if of heavenly realms and had power of great attraction. I felt as a moth before light! Suddenly, slowly, the photo became to expand till it was life-size or large, and frameless! Ah! Darshan! I became immersed in its indescribably beauty! Lahiri was sitting relaxing on a low stool, with his legs outstretched, arms outstretched and hands over one knee, and back slightly reclining. Ah! His face was immersed in bliss; he had a smile on his face, laughing. But his joy was because of another’s happiness, brought on by the experience of another, either narrated or seen. Immersed in this Divine vision of bliss, I awoke!

Upon awaking the dream seemed to show very clear symbolism to me. The blood meant a time of trial, of purifying for both Venkamma and I, although I am not sure what it means about her Buddha-like stone-like stance the whole time. The impression was, to me, not that she was immersed in bliss but simple stone-like. Yukteswarji/Yoganandaji mean to me the renunciate lifestyle; although they lived a life of teaching, still I think of them as representing cave-like sanyasi life. This would mean that, for now at least, my inner desire for cave life/quiet ashram life will remain securely bolted and cannot be fulfilled for a time. Lahiri means to me, of course, householder’s life. With all due respect to Devi Venkamma and God Himself Swami, this place of Prasanthi Nilayam is definitely not my beloved ideal of cave life! Venkamma with her house frequented by six worldly grandchildren, not to mention constant visitors all with tragic tales of their own (woe to my fluent understanding of Telugu!) – Swami, poor Swami, with His ashram of politics, money and influence! I have said many times that this is the place to see God and be churned, but not to do quiet inner sadhana!

So, my interpretation upon awakening was that there would be time of trial that I would “wash up” then the “Lahiri” life would continue, much to the supreme bliss of Lahiri Mahasaya Himself! Yes!

When Venkamma first left Prasanthi Nilayam, carried by five of us to the car, looking at death’s door, I immediately began to uncompassionately plan my escape to the forest, upon her demise. I mentally gave up all clinging to her (clinging that was of course normal, after being in her powerful presence almost constantly since 1½ year). I gave her entirely into her relatives whom she seemed to be clinging to anyway. Yet, throughout this time I’ve remember the dream which, if true, greatly threatened my grand plans! Karma continuing!

I, as usual, remaining wary of dreams so will be calm and not make any more plans, just take each day as it is. Now I'm just waiting.

Prasanthi Nilayam is practically a ghost town. No foreigners at all and Indians fearful of murderers! I still have the old lady gardener in my room, she is leaving 6th May (because she is black, people don’t notice her as a foreigner!). She is away gardening most of the day. I am staying quiet.

It is still very hot here and we survive by sprinkling water over the room and taking many showers a day. We have been lucky here to have no loss of electricity and water.

Although God is inside, no one can find life here pleasant, with no Swami and no Venkamma, and blazing heat. Difficult time for all here!

Will write when news develops!

Loka Samastha Sukhino Bhavantu.

Love,

Divya