Loneliness is a Bitch

lemme rant for a sec

haha this is gonna be a rant so if you ain't about that shit 1) idk why you're here this is a rant book 2) go away ig

ima just drive right into this bitch

Okay so my parents are divorced and they have been for almost 2 years, the split up being in February and the final, legal split in July. I remember the night they told us (me and my siblings) they were getting a divorce so vividly because there was a HUGE fight like I swear to god I thought I had to call the cops. I have some serious ptsd from that night,, goddamn it haunts me sometimes it's terrifying.

aNyways, so the whole reason why they got the divorce was because my mom was dating this other guy from her work and my dad found out... fun fucking times. Which, I should probably mention, that my mom and her boyfriend got goddamn engaged like 5 months after the divorce was settled like wOw okay.

So that put a really big tear in my mom and I's relationship. My siblings got over it like 2 months after the whole thing happened but I keep holding onto this grudge. Yeah, I STILL do. Fresh after the whole fight happened and it was kinda  weird where I would go over to my grandma's house (cause that's where my mom was staying) and stay with my mom and I wouldn't even speak to her. I wouldn't say I love you, I wouldn't say shit. Now because of this behavior, my mom made me go to a therapist. A goddamn therapist.

Like if anyone should be going to a therapist it's you bitch.

Anyways, getting back on track. So my mother made me go to this fucking therapist for several months. That's were I developed my hatred for therapist cause I didn't need to be there. I was there for the wrong reason. I need to go there to help solve my (most likely) problem of mild depression and anxiety, not my mommy issues.

Although one time, I was on my way to therapy and my mother had the radio on and it started playing LA Devotee. Part of me was like whole shit this never plays on the radio and this is my favorite song ever and wanted to sing the entire thing but then I realized I needed to stay strong and angry so I wouldn't seem happy. I was on my way to my therapy session for christ's sake. One of my biggest regrets.

So I went to these therapy sessions for a few months. Don't get me wrong the therapist was nice but I felt like I didn't need to be there and that I didn't need her help. I would listen to her of course but I wouldn't fulfill what she would want me to do to get that relationship with my mom back. I didn't want that relationship. Because she hurt me, I need to hurt her. Which to you guys might sound unfair but like this bitch had been with my dad for 17 years and then cheated on him with some other dude. Like, how can you just forgive someone like that?

I am a very vengeful person. An eye for an eye type person which honestly is the worst type but I just can't help it. If you hurt me, I hurt you there's no way around it in my eyes. Now, that's just with people that I don't like (which is the majority of people) but if I like you or you're one of my friends then that won't be an issue. But if you hurt me that bad then bitch you're about to have a shit ton of silent treatment and gossiping cause you and me aren't rekindling this relationship any time soon.

But now, 2 years later, I don't really care. Like I used to be angry, but I just kinda forget and stay in my room. I'll talk to her cause she asks me questions or whatever and I subconsciously want to say something or talk about stuff. But we'll never have that connection again and all of the "I love you's" are just meaningless. Said just so she won't make me go back to therapy again.

I know what y'all are thinking, you're like "but she's your mom you can't just stop loving her." But, it's true, I don't love her. She broke my heart, tore it to shreds just for her own happiness. You're not supposed to do that to your own kid, you put their happiness before your own, not the other way around. Yeah, maybe the relationship between her and my dad wasn't the greatest and they might've had a lot of fights but seriously? cheating? I feel like that's a bit unforgivable.

And the dumb thing is, is that my brother always. fucking. brings. this. up. Like, when I'm at my mom's, I stay in my room. I never come out unless it's for food or the bathroom. And after that I go straight to my room and he makes fun of me constantly. My brother is 9 years old and he makes fun of me for everything. For the music that I listen to, the fact that I have internet friends, my singing, the fact that I stay in my room all the time. Everything I do he makes fun of me. Literally, just a few hours ago he wrapped his arms around my neck and choked me. All he got was a "chase stop that." If I even lay a finger on that kid it's all, "BROOKE STOP FIGHTING WITH YOUR BROTHER HES ONLY 9 YOU COULD HURT HIM." And I'm like wtf bitch I literally sat next to him and took in a breath of oxygen what am I supposed to do, not breathe?

anyways, I'm getting off track a bit. So my brother basically pins the fact that I don't like mom on all the shit I do.

Example

"Brooke, why do you stay in your room all the time?"

Chase: "She doesn't like mom and Tom. All she does in her room is listen to Fall Out Boy and Panic! At The Disco. She's so lazy."

Like bitch stfu, you make it sound like listening to those bands are a bad thing. You like Hey Look Ma, I Made It too so idk what you're talking about hoe.

I just wish people would just leave me alone and let me develop shit on my own and not criticize me for everything I do.

ima end the rant there before I get into more shit. that was long I apologize, i didn't realize I had so much to say,, my mind kinda just vomited and now you have this useless mess of emotions lmao

anyways, I hope you guys don't ever have to deal with this shit and if at one point you did I'm here for you.

I love you all so very much and now ima go to sleep cause I have school tomorrow so that's fun

stay alive my dudes
~brick