Unspoken Feelings

Prologue

"Never would i dream myself to be someone else. To be in another's life, to life in a different life and situations, for i believe this life builds me. And if I do—live in another kind of life—then I'm not the same person as I am right now. I will be unrecognizable even to myself" 

I've always been the weak child with limited physical abilities. However, it doesn't changed that I have a good childhood. I remember my parents is the most caring person, but at the same time the scariest when they're angry.

As a child maybe, my parents—or even you—would not believe that I simply understood that the way they were yelling and angry with me as I found it horribly terrifying at the moment, is their way to show me that they care. That they don't want me to get hurt, to be reckless, or to make terrible mistakes as they did. But, even that I understood, what is the sole reason to protect me that much? They care, yes. I'm a child, yes. But can't they just believe me enough to release me from the bubble they built? Sometime later, I'm bound to face the world with my own strength and they will not be able to stand beside me anymore.

At times, I understood that they (as parents) didn't believe that we (children) are strong enough to face the realities. And even though they are our parents and they do have the right to make decisions for us, did they not remember to give back our rights to make decisions when we're old enough?

We, as children may be underestimated by our parents due to our young age and lack of experience in life. But that doesn't mean that any of us can't be any wiser than them. Even as parents, they do have flaws and they do make mistakes. And we didn't take that as a fault, but we would try to help you. Due to our young age and lack of experience, we show it with another way. Maybe you wouldn't recognize it, but surely every single child on this damned earth were always trying to help their parents. Love is the only way to describe it, as we felt the feelings grew inside us with every of their affection towards us. But surely, we can also feel when their affection become less and less, that at some point it stops. That's what happened when we grow up (well at least it's what happened to me). They wouldn't give a shit about what we do and what we think as long as we don't do anything despised them. And because of what we owe them, we just stay silent. Nearly suffocating for any kind of love and affection. That's what happen when some children turns rebellious. They need affection or even just a tinge of affection is enough.

We, especially I, respect the return of our rights. But, even if that means we don't need any of their protection anymore, did anything that they did is just based on the responsibility towards us because they're the one who brought us to this world? Or it is based on their love towards us? The fact that we're their own blood and flesh, does it matter? For I know there's a lot of children who has foster parents that love them as their own and family was not built on blood relation but on love to each other.

This is silly I know, questioning your parents' love? God, I know that they loves me always. But the fact that they did not seems to love me is the thing that make me dreadful. As humans, we're always a child to our parents and we're always hungry of affection. Affection from our parents, friend, or lover. We as humans, need to know the fact that someone loves us, that we're not merely a mistake to this world.

Though, children has their own way to react. There's a lot who just stopped disturbing you, and their love to their parents fade to nothing and came back just in the times when they're dying. Then there's children who escapes silent cry for their loss of their parents, knowing that they loved them but not showing any living proof. There's the rebellious ones, as I said, who are in need of any kind of attention. There's many more and it is the job of the psychologist to unravel every one of them.

I want to remind that not all children knew these things and just react by instinct. As long as I know, I'm also a child, but I believe I'm merely a child in mind. I know, you must've think: "What this child know about life? She's just 18 years old"—well almost 19—"and she's already acting like a boastful witty-ass child." Well, I know I'm young, and you have every right to judge me, but in order to judge me, you have to know my story first. Feel free to enjoy the story...

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a/n

I wrote this when I was younger so.. sorry if the perspective is a bit childish and ofc rebellious. That's a 15 yo me so ofc it's a bit rebellious haha, it's the age. From the first chapter and on, I wrote it rn, an 18 yo me. The way I write might change a little, or a lot. So heads up for that.