Faithful, My Love.

ill-fated perhaps.

At that moment without thinking I said, "No, I won't." Then in a childish way he complained, "But Why?" and with a stern voice I said, "Because I don't want to.." He embarrassingly said, "OK, but can you sit down I just want to talk." I once again sat down next to him. He started, "The thing is that since you belong from a wealthy family and had such a high position in your father's company than why did you leave everything and come here? I just doesn't make any sense, (It felt as if he was whining) Why would you!!!....By any chance did you run away from home?" I bursted into laughter, "You seem to have done your research and no, I didn't run away from home.....(I hesitated)It's just.....I had my reasons....and you know somethings are better to remain untold....But if you really want to know, than you can say that I exchanged something very valuable for this." I smiled trying to hide the pain behind my smile. It's been so long since I came here, but it never pained like this thinking about my life, but for the past few months whenever I think about my future and my past why does it hurt. Why do I only want to live in my present and not on my past or future.

He really didn't take it seriously and I think it is good, that he doesn't think about it much. He then continued to the next question, " Is it true that you suffer from chronic Insomnia since the age of 14?" I interrupted, "Actually it was since I was 12 years old, but on my official medical report it is written 14 years..." He jokingly said, "What could a 12 year old go through to suffer chronic insomnia." I sadly smiled, " My grandma died during her sleep next to me." His smile disappeared and after a long time he seemed serious. I continued, "I was 12, I was staying over at my grandma's place, I used to love to sleep next to her and even that night I slept next to her as usual. We were all alone that night. When I woke up in the morning, I was cuddling her tight. I checked the time and it was 11 am, I had a habit of waking up late on weekends, but grandma didn't, everyday she woke up at 8 am, but that day she didn't. I tried to wake her up because it was too late, but she just didn't. I was terrified, that day I was just a pathetic 12 year old child terrified and crying in the corner of the room with her dead grandma peacefully lying on the bed in front of her. I didn't know what to do, other than to just cry and think that it could have also been me lying there dead in my sleep. After a few hours my mom came to pick me up, she kept ringing the bell, but I just didn't have the courage to move. She eventually had the door broken, and when she came into the room, she bursted into tears and saw a pathetic and scared child crying in the corner. For the next few weeks, I shifted away from the world, I didn't eat, talk to anyone and forcibly kept myself awake at nights just because I thought I might die too. Doctors used to forcibly give me medication and injections for me to fall asleep, and eventually when I got out of trauma I just couldn't sleep even if I  wanted to. Maybe because the fear still laid somewhere inside my heart. Since that day I have been taking sleeping pills everyday in order to fall asleep, no matter how tired I am, how badly my head ached, I need to take sleeping pills." 

He regretfully said, "I  am extremely sorry. I really didn't know about this, it's fine you didn't have to tell this to me. Let's forget everything and just enjoy the beautiful view."  Glaring at him, I insisted, "Go on, ask me the next question, I really don't know why I am telling you all of this, but for some reason I feel as if you just reduced a big burden from my heart. I know I am being greedy but please, go on, I would really like to reduce a bit more burden." Truly speaking, I never talked about this event in my life to anyone, he turned out to be the first one. Why did I tell him? Maybe because, he is the only one who listens. He glared at me for a second, then looked away. At first he hesitated, but then asked, "What was  weird was that everyone has fears and I wanted to ask why is your 'Thanatophobia'  written specifically on your medical report? But you know you don't have answer that..." I interrupted, "I cannot attend funerals, graves, and even the thought of losing someone close to me, cause me to hyperventilate. Not just because of that one event but because, my grandpa died a year after my birth, my maternal grandmother died when I was 3 years and my maternal grandfather died two days before I was before. Either I was unlucky for their lives or maybe God just didn't write their love in my fate." I cringed my fists tight, and my eyes started to get watery but I held back my tears. My hand was next to his, and seeing my eyes, he gently kept his hands over mines in order to console me. But, I moved my hand away.