If only I could love you

Chapter 12

(AN: just a quick warning, theres a strong homophobic slur in this part)

The doorbell rung and the first guests had arrived. They were Chris and PJ. As Dan opened the door, they both cheered, and Chris stumbled in. “Don’t mind him, he’s already had a few shots of this,” PJ explained, before producing a large bottle of vodka from his bag. Dan laughed and let them into the house. Dan took him through to the kitchen where he deposited the bottle, along with various snacks. Chris collapsed on the sofa in the living room. PJ stood and stared at the drinks table, open mouthed. “Do you plan to give us all liver poisoning, Dan?” Dan chuckled, there was rather a lot. Five 12-packs of beer, two bottles of wine, and two bottles of vodka, including the one which PJ had just set down. However, for forty people, that was enough to get everyone suitably drunk.

Dan grinned, “It’s going to be a fun night.”

—

The party was in full swing. In the living room, music pounded and people danced in the dark. In the garden, people were smoking cigarettes or weed, or inhaling laughing gas through balloons. In the kitchen, Dan popped the lid off his new bottle of beer. The floor was beginning to sway, so he decided that this would be his last. He was still in charge of the house; he had to be responsible. He went through to the living room. Someone had brought a strobe light, and people were crowding around while they tried to plug it in and turn it on. PJ saw Dan and walked over to him.

“Wassup?” he slurred.

“Not much,” Dan replied.

“Where’s Zoe?”

“Somewhere.” Dan couldn’t care less where Zoe was, he just wanted to know why Phil hadn’t shown up you. It was getting late. PJ was about to say something when suddenly there was a flash and everyone cheered. The strobe lights were working. The music started up again and everybody started dancing. This involved bobbing their heads up and down and bunching the air along to the pounding beat. Dan started to join in until PJ elbowed him sharply in the ribs.

“Ow!” Dan yelled. He followed PJ’s gaze to the corner of the dark room. Chris was sitting in on the sofa, clutching a beer, his lips attached to somebody else’s. It was Alice. Dan grinned, “Our boy’s all grown up!” He turned to PJ, “Now it’s your turn, mate.” PJ nodded in agreement, downed the rest of his beer, and disappeared into the crowd of people. Dan turned back to look at Chris and Alice. They broke apart for a moment and smiled, looking into each other’s eyes. Then Chris took Alice’s chin between his thumb and forefinger and brought her lips back to his. Dan couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like if it were him and Phil, rather than Chris and Alice. He wondered what Phil’s lips would feel like against his own. He wished he knew.

Dan was jolted out of his thoughts by a small but firm hand on his shoulder. He turned. Zoe’s eyes met his. “Great party, Dan,” she yelled, trying to be heard over the music.

“Yeah…” Dan wasn’t sure what to say, so he took a gulp from his beer.

“Don’t drink too much of that stuff,” Zoe seemed on edge. Things between them were awkward after yesterday. Then, she stretched onto her toes and kissed him lightly on the cheek, before departing to another room.

—

Another hour had passed. Dan hadn’t seen Zoe or PJ since he saw them in the living room. Chris and Alice had moved up to Dan’s parents’ room. The doorbell rang. This must be the pizza. Dan opened the door. But it wasn’t a pizza delivery. He hadn’t even ordered pizza. Wow, he needed to stop drinking! This vodka and coke would be his last. He looked up. Phil was standing on the doorstep. Happiness washed over Dan. He smiled at Phil, looking up and down. His eyes lingered on Phil’s lips for a bit too long.

“Hey, come on in!” He led Phil to the kitchen. Phil grabbed a plastic cup and poured about two shots of vodka into it. He downed the cup in one gulp, before slamming it down. A look of disgust crossed his face and he shook his head.  

“Nail polish remover. That’s the only way to describe that taste,” Phil then grabbed a beer and popped the lid off.

Dan leaned into him and laughed, before realising what he was doing and moved away again. “And how would you know?” He grinned.

“When I was eight, I drank some, thinking it was juice. I had to go to the hospital.” Phil chuckled.

“I learn something new about you every time I see you,” Dan winked.

“There’s plenty more where that came from,” Phil looked around. “So where’s the party?”

Dan took him through to the living room, where the music was still on and people were still dancing. ‘Big Supermassive Black Hole’ by MUSE was playing. Phil began to dance, “I love this song!” Dan began to dance with him.

—

Half an hour and two more beers later, they were still dancing, or rather, Phil was dancing, Dan was flailing. By this time, Dan had had so much alcohol that the floor was spinning. ‘That Green Gentleman’ by Panic! At the Disco began to play. Dan found himself looking into Phil’s eyes again. This time, Phil returned the eye contact.  He didn’t know if it was the alcohol in his system, or his feelings for Phil, but one second, Dan and Phil were dancing together, and the next, Dan found his lips against Phil’s.

For a split second, Dan thought he could feel Phil returning the kiss. But one second doesn’t last very long.

Suddenly Dan felt a sharp pain in his chest, and he was launched backwards. He stumbled and fell to the floor. He looked up at Phil, who was standing over him. No one else had noticed, they were too drunk. Phil was breathing heavily, a look of anger mixed with disgust on his face.  “What the fuck is wrong with you?!” the words echoed through Dan’s head. He opened his mouth, but no sound came out. Phil set down his empty beer bottle on a table as Dan attempted to stand up. “I’m leaving,” Phil turned and began to walk towards the door. No no no! Dan got up and followed. In the corridor he grabbed Phil’s arm. Phil turned towards him and snatched it away. “Get off me!” His eyes narrowed, “Fag.” With that, he left.

Dan sat down, hitting the floor hard. His eyes began to sting and he had to rub them vigorously to stop himself from crying. He went back to the living room. The music was too loud; it pounded in his ears, or was that just his own heartbeat? The strobe light was too fast; it made everything blurry, or was that just the tears in his eyes? Dan had to get away from everyone. He kept playing the scene over and over in his head. As he staggered up the stairs, Phil’s face, a picture of hatred, was all he could see. All he could hear was Phil saying, “What the fuck is wrong with you?! Fag.” He tumbled onto the landing of the first floor and picked himself up. Dizzily, he walked along the hallway towards his bedroom. Ae pushed the door open; he heard a low moan, followed by a collective gasp from two different people, and frantic movement coming from within. He flipped on the light switch to reveal two naked bodies on his bed.

“Dan! Fuck! I-” It was Zoe. Dan didn’t know the boy she was with. He didn’t leave time for any introductions. He left the room and slammed the door behind him. Everything she had said, had they all been lies? Did she even care about him? Dan didn’t stop to think for long, he was hyperventilating now, and he felt sick. He walked up the stairs opposite his room to the spare room in the attic. He had locked the door to prevent people from getting in, so now he took the key from his pocket. After many attempts, he managed to get the key into the lock. As soon as the door opened, he fell in, shutting and locking it behind him. He ran over to the bathroom, flung the door open and violently vomited into the toilet.

When he was finished, he stumbled over to the bed. As he lay down, a tear crept from the corner of his eye, ran across his cheek, and dropped onto the pillow. As he lay there, he remembered how soft Phil’s lips were against his own, and how hard Phil’s hands were against his chest when he pushed him away. Then everything went black.