BLAKE | a. hotchner

23

A/n: Well shit me sideways and call me Squidward. 10k reads, that's like, a lot! Thank you so much for reading and baring with my long ass updates, I really appreciate you guys and I hope that this story has been keeping up with your standards! x

Funerals.
Fuck funerals.
I hate them, I really fucking hate them.

You go to church, praying for someone that isn't around anymore, crying for someone that isn't around anymore. Then you leave and everything's fine, you eat some food, talk to some people, keeping yourself from remembering why you're actually gathered.

Rose didn't have much friends, Emilio was practically the only person she spoke to when I was in jail. Which meant there was only nine people present when her ashes were lowered into the ground.

Emilios son, Aiden, was also there, he cooks the food in his fathers restaurant. I wanted to say something, make a speech about her life and let her go with with dignity. But I couldn't. I was crying far too much and no words in the world would do Rose justice. She deserved everything and I gave her nothing.

It was hard to remember that day four weeks ago, when my father had been arrested and Rose pronounced dead.

*

Somehow, Reid had dragged me away from Rose's body and I found myself standing outside. So much pain was running through my veins and I didn't know how to make sense of it all. And I was thinking about death. How a person can be alive and breathing and then just stop, how can a person just not exist anymore? How can a person go from one hundred to zero in less than one second? No, it didn't make any sense. It wasn't fair. Some fear death, others pray for it, and Rose did neither. She shouldn't have been the one to go, I should've been.

As the medics drove away with Rose's body, Aaron came out with no other than my own father, Rose's killer. We locked eyes and I could see his twisted, goddamn pleasure behind them.

Something that I was always so damn sure of was that he was my first, my first hate, my first heartbreak, my first bully. Now, I couldn't even be sure of that anymore, now Josh was my first. Sweet, caring Josh.
God I hate him. I hate the way I remember him now.

And then something happened, it took less than a millisecond for my father to tangle his way out of Aarons grip, take the gun out of his holster, holding Aaron around the neck with his arm while standing behind him and holding the gun to his head.

*

After the funeral we went to Emilio's for lunch. It was an awful kind of quiet where everyone was desperately searching for something to say, to lighten the mood, but coming up empty. 

"Something wrong with the food?" Aiden asked, nodding at my untouched plate.

"No, no! The food is as awesome as always," I said with a reassuring smile. "It's just," I trailed off and looked at my hands in my lap.
"A sad time to be alive," Emilio finished my sentence, I looked up at him and nodded slowly.

"It was a beautiful ceremony," Garcia tried but I just shook my head. "I couldn't even say anything," I let out a shaky breath. "She was being buried and I choked, it was as if I had forgotten how to speak."

"No words were necessary, silence can be quite powerful too," Dave joined in from beside me as he patted my hands which were still in my lap.

I took a deep breath as I felt the tears coming back, "I think I'm gonna go get some fresh air." I stood up and made my exit through the backdoor of the restaurant. Leaning against the wall next to door I started to wonder how everything could get so utterly screwed up in such a short time.

"Are you alright?" I looked up to see Aaron standing tall in front of me, hands in his pockets and concern in his brown eyes.

*

"Get any closer and I swear I will kill him!"

Everyone's guns were out in a second, pointed at my father. But guess who doesn't have fucking gun? That's right; little, helpless me of course. I was sick and tired of him always taking everything away from me, but he couldn't have Aaron. No, Aaron was not to be touched, he was one of the few people left in the world who actually cared about me. And I wouldn't let the bodycount go any higher, it was time for my old daddy to retire.

"This is what you do, you take away anyone I care about." I stepped forward. "That's what you did with Maya, that's what you did with Rose, you're gonna take Aaron now? Is that your plan? To make me suffer? Do you really hate me that much?"

"I'm not the one hating, Alex!" He spat coldly. "I am trying to show you that the world is cruel, that people will always leave, I don't hate you, you hate me."

"Yes, like it isn't fucking obvious! Of course I hate you," I threw out my arms in the air helplessly, tears threatening to stream down my face again. "I hate you, because I will have to wonder for the rest of my life what I ever did to deserve a family like ours," I said with the purest of hate dripping from every word.

There was a silence before JJ broke it, "put down the gun." He didn't move, just stared into my eyes, trying to find something. At that moment I felt myself going desperate, I didn't have the strength to play smart anymore, I just wanted to go home and forget everything that has happened.

"Just do it, dad," I looked at him with pleading eyes, "please," I begged.

To my surprise, he dropped to his knees with tears streaming down his face, muttering apologies over and over again. I could see it, he was done, emotionally drained and exhausted, as was I. And I couldn't help but feel sorry for him, he was my father after all and he needed help. Help I should've provided for him a long time ago.

*

"I'm fine," I answered.

"And the truth?" He tucked away a strand of my brown hair behind my ear.

"I wasn't there for her, Aaron," tears was streaming down my face again and I cursed myself for being so emotional. "I'm a mess, I'm sorry," I brushed away my tears with the back of my hand.

"Don't apologise, I want to know every side of you, in and out," he grabbed my small hands in his large ones and kissed them gently.

"I mean, she made it out alive from two heart attacks and now my stupid father comes along and," I had to pause and take a deep breath not to get too overwhelmed.
"We should go away together," Aaron said suddenly.

I gave out a quiet laugh, "we're not sixteen, Aaron, we can't just run off."
He chuckled slightly and I found myself thinking it was the most wonderful sound in the whole world. "No, I meant as a vacation," he smiled.

"Oh," I said in embarrassment. "Are you sure they would allow that? I mean, I'm still under probation."
"We can at least try," Aaron brushed away what was left of my tears with his thumb.

"Okay, then let's," I smirked as I leaned in closer to which he smiled. "Be patient, Alex," he smirked as he cupped my cheek with his hand and brushing his lips against my lips. "Stop being such a tease and maybe I will be," I took a hold of his black coat and pushed him flush against me.

"Why, is it something that you want from me?" His voice was sin and having him so close again was making my heart beat faster as I nodded. "Then tell me, Alex," he whispered into my ear, "where do you want me to kiss you first?"