10 Things I hate About Her (10 Things #1)

The Ninth Letter

January 15,

It's terrible when one feels like an outsider in their own home. I waited on the front porch, leaning against the supporting column. My bags rested on the concrete. Snow hid mother's precious garden from sight, but the driveway and cars had been recently cleaned. The front door presented itself as a threatening obstacle to being reunited with my family. How would they react when they saw me? Would father still have the same cold look in his eyes? The same closed-off demeanor?

Dana was inside, talking to them. Saying what I could only imagine. I paced back and forth, rubbing my hands together and blowing on them to stay warm. The guitar I had fixed up rested against the wall. Anxiety churned my stomach and I felt nauseous as hell. I kept telling myself to calm down, but I couldn't. I was seconds away from having a panic attack. My throat closed and I was struggling for breath. Damn, why did being afraid make me this pathetic. This weak.

The door opened, and I saw my dad for the first time in weeks. His eyes were red and bloodshot. The crow's feet at their edges came to life with his smile. He didn't speak, he stepped outside and held me in his powerful embrace. The hug was stuffy, my face buried in to his wool vest. It scratched my cheek and I grew hot in his hold. Sweat formed under my armpits. He took me by my shoulders and held me apart from him, studying me. The tears welling in his eyes were the same ones that swelled in mine.

'You lost a little weight,' he said, his lips trembling from emotion.

I swallowed. 'I haven't been eating well.'

He motioned to my stuff on the ground. 'You need some help?'

I said, 'No, it's fine.' But he had already picked up the duffel bags, leaving the guitar for me.

I slung the strap of the case over my shoulder and followed him inside. He said, 'Your mom made you dinner.'

'Oh?'

'They're waiting for you in the dining room.' He left the bags at the foot of the stairs to the top floor and I laid the guitar on top of them. We stood awkwardly sided by side, staring down the corridor that led to the kitchen. The same corridor I had chased Juliana down many times as a child, laughing, wrestling playfully, shouting. My dad watched me without a word. But the expression on his face was that of relief. He held my hand. His dwarfed mine in its broad expanse. His grip was strong yet comforting. "Dana is a good kid."

'Yeah, she's always been that way,' I told him.

He nodded. 'It's good that you have a friend like her.'

'Yeah.' I dreaded walking down the hall. I knew that if I saw my mom, I would lose all self control. My dad guided me down the familiar route holding our photographs and memories. Being home after so long felt different. Estrangement weighed on my heart, but also a sense of belonging. We entered the dining room. My mom and sister rose to greet me. Dana stayed seated, a gentle smile on her face. My sister nearly ran across the room.

We hugged, and she said, 'I'm glad you're okay, you little brat.' She rustled my hair.

'Yeah.' I couldn't say much to her; my attention was drawn to someone else.

'Don't run away again,' she whispered next to my ear and let me go, flashing a quick smile before drifting back to the table. She watched us over her shoulder.

I stared at my mother.

My mom took the first step. Her black hair was held in a single braid. Her pale white face appeared vulnerable when compared to the strength and vibrancy she had when I was a child. I had always pictured her as invincible. Someone who could never be broken. But the woman before me was a fragile and thin representation of her former self. Her satin dress rested on skinny shoulders. She wrapped her arms around my neck, her head incapable of passing my chest. I hugged her, and my cheeks grew wet and moist. The mucus in my nostril loosened and dripped down my lips. She held me for a long time, stroking my back and saying, 'I'm so sorry, honey. I'm sorry we put you through all that.'

Though my vision blurred, I stared past her, locking eyes with Dana. Dana bowed her head and clasped her hands in front of her, twisting. I don't know what she told them. I never asked her.

My mom released me after a few minutes and we went over to the dining table. I cleaned my face with a napkin. I saw my favorites dishes- vegetarian lasagna, chocolate chip cookies and hot chocolate. We sat together as a family. A unit. We ate in silence. But we were together at last. Dana sat next to Juliana. My mom was seated at the head of the table for once. Dad was by my side and I wondered how everyone had changed in the time we had been apart.

Dad cleared his throat. He said, 'I thought about how I handled your situation. And I was wrong, Val. It's not my duty to tell you who to love. That's something you have to decide on your own. I'm sorry I beat you and I'm sorry I tried to separate you from Naomi when I know that she's your oldest friend and probably your closest. I was wrong.' Mom smiled at him.

I held my head down, feeling the heat of everyone's stares. I said, 'I'm sorry I'm not the daughter you wanted.'

My dad replied, 'No, you're more than perfect. I realized that your sexuality is a very small part of you, Val. The role you play as a daughter, student, athlete- I've seen you work hard in all these areas. I'm proud of you. Yes, I would never love a man, but each person has to take their own individual path. I have taught you everything I can, the rest I leave up to you. I can tell that you love Naomi. Hell, you were stubborn enough to run away from home till we accepted that love. I have to respect that. While I may not approve of the relationship, I love you, Val. I trust your ability to make your own decisions.'

I took a bite of the lasagna. It was good. I enjoyed it. After chewing, I told him, 'That's all I ever wanted to hear from you.'

He wrapped his arm around my shoulders. 'Welcome home, kiddo.'

Dana was smiling. Mother looked satisfied, content as if things were finally going the way she intended.

Juliana said, 'Should we watch a movie after this? Raise the mood a little?'

Mom said, 'Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.' She asked Dana, 'Do you have to leave soon, or can you afford to stay a while?'

Dana looked at me and grinned. 'Well it's been a while since I slept over.'

Dad laughed. 'Let's fire up the old DVD player and get some blankets, huh?'

That's exactly what happened. After dinner, we watched movies and joked about the past. When we were alone in my room, Dana and I talked about you and her boyfriend, Timmy. We talked about the day we met at soccer tryouts in grade nine and we talked about the time I pantsed Delilah in the changeroom in tenth grade. My heart grew lighter with each passing second. The situation had changed for better and I finally had hope in our future.

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Naomi, I have waited forever for this moment. The love that burns in my chest never leaves. He has planted himself on a throne in my bosom and raised his banners up around him. He doesn't waver or shy away in troubled times. I follow his lead; each footstep grows surer and more capable as we stride confidently towards your direction.

I asked you to wait for me. Soon, you'll see all that I can give you.

Tell Claire that I'm no coward.

Love,

Val

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Author's note:

This was probably the hardest chapter I've ever had to write about anything at all. This scene really touches my heart in a way some of you might be able to understand. There'll be an update tomorrow or Thursday :) Have a great week XD