Ever since Luke died my days have been up and down. Some days I would be fine where others I would be in a complete depression. Most days I was just angry. Now adding Ashton and my feelings towards him in the mix, you could say I'm a little confused. I woke up this morning sad. Probably sadder than I ever felt since the minute I found out he died. I'm not sure why.. I just felt off. Then as I was getting dressed my mom said "Oh you look just like Luke in that sweatshirt." as I slipped on his sweatshirt I got from Ashton's house. Then I was just angry at her mainly, for even mentioning his name. She doesn't deserve him. But soon after Ashton texted saying he was excited to see me. I went from each extreme in like an hour and now I don't know what to do. I decided it was best for me not to have my mom drive me to school so walking seemed ideal. But with walking, especially alone you get a ton of time to think. So now I'm alone, crying, and extremely late for school. I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere because I feel like I'm no where near school. I tried ringing Ashton at least 10 times but all my calls kept failing. I don't understand what I ever did in my life to get such bad luck. It's as if God is punishing me for being Veronica Hemmings. I know I'm not homeless or dying from some rare disease without a cure but I find it extremely horrible to loose your twin. And if that's not fucked up enough for you than I suggest you leave. God I was a mess. I knew going back to school would be a bad idea but I guess thinking of how much work I would have to make up if I stayed out longer than two months is a good reason to continue my education. But as soon as I thought giving up would be better than aimlessly around I saw the front doors to my school. Somehow, someway I made it. That was the end to my morning walks, that's for sure. I walked in and went straight to the office. The secretary gave me a late pass and then I walked to my current class. I turned the hall and I see Ashton sitting on the ground with his head in his hands. I rush over to him not knowing what's wrong.
"Ash Ash what's wrong!" I sit next to him. He looks up tears in his eyes.
"Roni oh my god." He grabs me, queezing me tight. "I thought you were gone. I thought.." He doesn't continue, not needing to anyway, I know the anxiety of loosing someone. "I called and called.. I just didn't know what to think." He cries. I guess my phone wasn't working properly. I rub his back letting him cry it all out.
"I'm sorry." He whispers. I nod not knowing what to say. He stands up pulling me up with him. We stand there staring at eachother until Ashton suddenly slams me against the locker, pushing his lips on mine. I quickly respond but I know he is using me to distract him from his emotions. It quickly gets heated and I try and push him off.
"Ash." I breathe out. He doesn't stop and I keep trying to push him off as he kisses down my neck.
"Ashton!" I yell pushing him off of me with all my strength. He stumbles back into the wall opposite his face surpried. He starts to apologize but I run away tears threatening to run down my face. I get how he is feeling, I really do but I can't be used that way. I am just as confused with my feelings for him especially being as emotionally vulnerable as I am now. I'm not so sure we are even ready for a relationship. I don't want to get into one just because I need someone to comfort me. He came into my life at a bad time and I'm afraid I might not actually like him like that. I run into my class sitting down in the back. My teacher's never really question why I'm late, or where I go. They have pity for me which has it's perks. I didn't want to be here and I'm thinking of asking my mom if I can stay out of school for a little longer. Things are just getting harder and now having to deal with Ashton I can't handle it. If Ashton wasn't feeling the loss of Luke aswell maybe it would be easier for us but I don't think it's a good idea anymore. This is all so overwhelming and I don't know how much more I can take. I zone out for the rest of the class knowing exactly where I needed to be. The bell rings and I practically jump out of my seat running for the front doors. I run and run and I keep running till I see where I should have gone a long time ago. I keep running until I see the familar stone and now dead, yellow daises I left the last time I saw him. I finally stop running collapsing in front of Luke's grave. I need him. He is the only person I ever talked to about anything, and it kills me that I can't go to him with my problems.
"Luke.. fuck I miss you." I cry out. "I hate you so much for leaving me. I don't understand. Why is life so cruel. You were the last person to ever deserve something like this. It should have been me, I was the fuck up not you. God I know why you didn't want me to meet your friends I'm confused as fuck. I don't want to hurt Ashton and I don't want to hurt myself. I know you would have hated this. I wish you left something, I wish I had a last goodbye. I wish I knew this was coming so I could stop it or prepare myself for this searing pain that I feel all throughout my body every second of the day. Luke I love you so much why did you leave me. You left me! I hate you and I hate myself for being so mad at you. The last thing I said was I hate you. It was my fault all of it. I didn't even know you were so sad. What caused this god, Luke you left me alone. You always said it's me and you against the world. Now look! It's just me all alone." I start to get up wiping the tears off my face.
"Why'd you do it Luke? Why'd you kill yourself?"
So yeah.. This is super short but I really wanted to end it there. I actually didn't originally plan to have Luke kill himself but it kinda just formed while I writing this chapter. I swear I don't hate Luke lol. Okiee smile even though this chapter was really sad.
